Minimum Walk: The Failed Parody
by tanyart
Summary: Max meets her counterpart, a flamingoavian hybrid named Mini. Jeb is livid, the Flock is baffled, unicorns don't exist... and quite predictably, things go horribly wrong. So what else is new?
1. Character Canon Death 1

**Disclaimer: **Canon stuff goes to James Patterson. Minimum Walk is mine.

**AN:** As far as parodies go, it's a rather lame one but it has grown on me like cancer. I needed a break from all my other serious fics. And, like always, reviews are appreciated.

**Warning:** Useless language, unnecessary violence, unexplainable horniess, pointless OOC scenes, and… you know… stuff that the general population finds funny nowadays.

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"_They were still under the white-plum tree and their faces were touching except for a pale, thin ray of moonlight between. It occurred to me that he had been very slowly bending toward her all evening to attain this proximity, and even while I watched I saw him stoop one ultimate degree and kiss her at her cheek."_

– Nick Carraway, The Great Gatsby

**Chapter One: Canon Character Death #1**

* * *

The School loomed in the distance of the flat desert terrain, nothing more than a menacing dark shadow in the starry night. The temperature was cool and windy as the sun's absence made a mockery of the desert's usual scorching heat. Animals dare not linger near this particularly evil place. However, every so often a wolf's howl could be heard from within the School's fenced-in barrier. Quite suddenly, the plot turns into a raging beast, unable to stop its illogical rampage through what seems to be a ridiculous chain of unlikely events. 

Starting with Jeb, bless the poor man.

He was currently dangling at a perilous angle with nothing more than his two hands clawing at the rooftop's edge. The silly scientist had been sipping his evening coffee when he was struck down by a sudden urge to do something unexplainably rash. Obviously, he did. Suited quite handsomely in a top hat and cane, he did a little dance. Being someone born with metaphorically two left feet, he took a little tumble off the railing that he was dancing upon.

This resulted in his present situation.

But wait. Allow me to backtrack an hour.

**o0o**

_One Hour Earlier…_

The Erasers were in an uproar, flooding the corridors of the School in search of a highly dangerous experiment. It had escaped using an ingenious combination of a plastic spork, a paper stapler, and a large orange lampshade. It had been so unexpected that the Erasers couldn't make heads from tails of the strange creature. They simply stared and allowed the Experiment to run wildly pass them.

It wasn't until the whitecoats shocked their electric collars that the Erasers realized the whole world could be doomed if they let the Experiment escape.

And they got to thinking that the whole world sort of included them too.

By the time they got through that whole thought process, the Experiment was already messing the controls of the School. It allowed other experiments to escape and very soon the Erasers and whitecoats had much more to deal with.

Satisfied with its work, #3535 raced up the rooftop where it knew Jeb was waiting for him.

**o0o**

_So presently…_

Jeb pathetically tried to draw his legs up over the edge. However, being close to fifty years old and stereotypically not athletic did not help. So, being the smart man that he was, he did the next best thing…

"OH MY GOD, HELP," he screamed with his hands clawing to get a better grip.

Immediately, he was greeted by the sight of yellow eyes peering curiously down at him. Jeb screamed again, but only because he was coming face to face with one of his most terrifying creations.

"Why are you wearing my lampshade over your head?!"

The yellow eyes blinked slowly and the experiment grinned. It drew out the stapler from its pocket and aimed down at Jeb.

"I'm sorry Mister Batchelder," it hummed merrily, "but sixteen years is an awfully long wait. I want to see my Maximum Ride now and you're getting in my way. Good-bye." It clicked the stapler three times.

Jeb felt the flying staplers land gently on his forehead in a rather anti-climatic way. He stared stonily up to #3535 and shifted slightly from his hanging position.

"Minimum, this is exactly why we deemed you a failure. You're just extremely _stupid_."

Minimum laughed gleefully and kneeled down. Taking the lampshade off his head, he threw it carelessly away. His bright pink hair flopped over his eyes. Giving the scientist a firm pat on his white-knuckled hand, Minimum smirked.

"I know. Sixteen years is a long time to be playing dumb, huh? I guess I'm a little tired of it now," the boy whispered.

Jeb paled.

So that's when Minimum Walk took out his spork and stabbed Jeb's left hand. The whitecoat yelped in pain and the pink-haired boy withdrew the kitchen utensil-turned-weapon with a slight frown on his face.

"Opps. I forgot you're a righty," he said whimsically and plunged the bloodied spork into Jeb's right hand.

"You're a bit of a bastard, aren't you?" Jeb rasped as he let go of the rooftop and fell.

Minimum stood up and turned away. He heard a muffled thud that hinted a nice blood-splattered scene ten stories below. He laughed.

"What can I say? Mommy raised me to be a gentleman."

* * *

End chapter. 


	2. But darlin’, You’re A Skank

**AN:** This chapter is frightfully short and not really funny but I assure you, it is needed. Hopefully.

* * *

**Chapter 2: But darlin', You're A Skank**

_Twenty-four hours later..._

* * *

Anne smiled from across her desk over to Ari. The little wolf-boy fidgeted in his cushioned seat, trying his best to avoid her stormy gaze. The woman was in a frightful mood and Ari entertained the thought of urinating right in front of her. 

He was just…so… utterly… scared.

The thing was, Anna had no temper. If she did, she never lost it. Ari didn't know. However, he did know what it felt like to have no temper, but only because he kept losing it on several occasions. Huh? Well, now that he was thoroughly confused with himself, Ari whimpered.

Sure, Anne never got angry at someone outright. However, if one did something displeasing in her perspective… things just started happening. Randomly. A banana peel here, a small cut from shaving there… and all down the list with the most annoying occurrences ever.

"Did you know that by letting Experiment 3535 escaped, you might as well melt the polar ice caps of the world and plunge earth into an abyssal eternity of destruction?" Anne commented lightly.

"Uh…" Ari sunk back into his chair in unabashed terror, only to be suddenly poked in the back by what suspiciously felt like a very long needle. He squeaked and groped around until his semi-paws wrapped around a cylinder object. He yanked it out from his backside, revealing it to be a distressingly empty syringe. Before he could inspect the label, Anna had reached over and plucked the deadly object from his grip without batting an eyelash.

"Oh dear. So _that's_ where I put it. Thank you for finding it, Ari," she smiled.

Ari didn't trust himself to speak. In fact, he couldn't even if he wanted to. His body had gone numb and he suspected that it wasn't just from fear.

"I'm afraid you can't go unpunished for this, dear," Anne continued as Ari's body flopped lifelessly from his seat and onto the floor. The woman nimbly stood up and paced around the desk to look down at him. "You see… you're father left a dreadful mess on the side of the building. Bodily fluids stain so easily. Such an untidy sight is bad for business and the vultures aren't doing a neat job of it."

Ari managed to grunt in agreement from his paralyzed state.

"So I'm entrusting you to clean up after your father's splattered and rotting corpse and track down Experiment 3535," Anne said breezily, inspecting her newly manicured nails.

And somehow, quite by accident, a second syringe slipped out from her pocket and landed right on Ari's neck. The wolf-boy gave a twitch and soon he could start moving parts of his body again. He groaned, yanking the needle out.

"Is that a yes?" Anne asked sweetly.

Ari pushed himself off the ground and sat up in a daze. He nodded.

Apparently satisfied, Anne sat down at her desk and waved a hand to dismiss him. Ari practically ran out the door. However, someone had conveniently left a banana peel near the entrance of the exit (huh?) and Ari soon found himself reacquainted with the floor once again.

"Oh, regarding Experiment 3535," Anne chimed just as soon as Ari had bodily hit the ground, "I know my son can get a bit difficult. Though I would prefer it if you capture Mini alive, please don't hesitate to kill him if he becomes a real nuisance."

It was a shame Jeb could not be here. He could have learned a lesson or two from Anne on real parenting.

* * *

End chapter. 


	3. Hey Mister Feather

**AN: **It has come to my attention that this story will become fairly insulting to some people. Haha. Awesome.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 3: Hey Mister Feather**

_YAY FOR AN UNNECESSARY ONE WEEK TIME SKIP WITH ACCOMPANYING SOUND EFFECTS:_

_(Shoooooooooooooooooooomm!)_

* * *

The rest of this story here will take place in California where, contrary to popular belief, everyone knew how to surf and obviously lived next door to a Hollywood movie star. In result of this stereotypical generalization, everyone in the rather large and beastly state needed to live within ten miles of the ocean, causing California to elongate and break off from the United States entirely where it drifted across the Pacific Ocean and ran over Hawaii, adding to its already massive landmass. In addition, the state legislator passed a law in which Hollywood made sixteen million, nine hundred thirty-five thousand, and eight hundred twenty-four movie stars to accommodate California's population of thirty-three million, eight hundred seventy-one thousand, and six hundred forty-eight citizens.

Of course, when the movie stars complained that they also needed to live next door to other movie stars, the governor of California, who was indeed a movie star himself, became baffled to the point of insanity and promptly declared California a new country where it was ranked the third most powerful nation in the world just preceding below Estonia of Europe and Tanzania of the African continent.

The absurdity of this event could easily be blamed upon Maximum Ride and her flock of merry avian freaks. Two years after learning about her true destiny, Maximum had yet to save the world from the notorious Itex Company. The neglect and clear lack of guidance ultimately took its terrible toll. Without California, the United States' economy and federal power fell drastically into scheming Canadian hands.

You see, when one thinks of 'saving the world', one would normally presume that the world was in danger of expiring or getting blown up by extremely large mushroom clouds. This indeed became a serious misleading notion when Maximum Ride tried to rescue the world from physical and geographical harm. Unfortunately, what she did not realize was that the problem was internally caused by the world's unstable economy and countless forms of conflicting governments. So, when there was a lack of meteors threatening to crash into the earth or atomic bombs blowing up, Maximum found the whole 'saving the world' task to be quite fruitless and boring. Anything that involved politics is surely not worth risking one's life.

So, Itex is still reigning high and mighty. Unknown to most of Earth's population, the company was slowly making its way up to promote tyranny and a hierarchy of arcane evilness.

Everyone still with me? No? Well… on with the story.

**o0o**

Maximum Ride, who was now a charming sixteen-year old teenager, was walking down the busy streets of Los Angeles. She had not changed much over the past two years. Her hair was a little longer and the pink highlights were gone. Perhaps she had grown an inch or two in height as well. However, she was still that stress-loving, butt-kicking, spunky blond teen icon that certain people have come to love or at least tolerate.

With her walked two boys of the same age, a younger girl, an even younger boy and his little sister. These were supporting characters, set for a shallow love interest or for the sheer sake of making Max's life more difficult than what it already was. The latter is a little more apparent than the others. Oh, there was also a talking dog with them who served no other purpose other than to provide a plethora of frivolous and annoying scenes of comic relief with supposedly witty one-liners.

"We need to get out of California," Max suddenly said for all the lack of dialogue this chapter was getting.

"It's floating in the middle of the ocean now," Fang answered bluntly, who probably got rid of several lines of pointless narration.

"We're homeless, we have no real money, no citizen identification, and I'm starving," Iggy added.

"Gosh Max," Nudge blinked, "What were we doing these past two years?"

The flock paused reflectively.

"Um… avoiding the Erasers?" ventured Gazzy.

"Trying to stay hidden?" Angel said helpfully.

"Repeatedly attempting to confess my love for Max," Fang stated flatly as his oblivious crush was suddenly distracted by a chocolate chip cookie stand. She came back and handed everyone a cookie.

"Sorry I suddenly ran off! Did you say something, Fang?" she asked.

Fang shrugged, his emo-ness showing as a chunk of his black hair magically flopped over his left eye. Over the years, the novelty wore off on the flock so they didn't comment on the odd habits of his mood-provoked hair.

Max stared at him in the same way as one would stare at a puppy who had just made a puddle on the floor. He was just too darn cute to scold.

Meanwhile, Fang stared back at her with bedroom eyes.

It was a conflict of interest and yet both were too dense to read each other's intent. The flock watched Max and Fang's little stare-down with eye rolls.

So we interrupt this clichéd Fax-ness moment for some desperately needed action time.

They appeared as twelve strikingly handsome young men, all with black hair and dark mysterious eyes. Under normal circumstances, that might've been a good chance to get a date. However, when twelve uber hot guys suddenly started to sprout a butt load of facial and body hair plus a tail, one might tend to rethink the situation. The Erasers were running towards them, still looking quite handsome in their human forms. Ari was among them.

The flock instantly came together. It was too crowded on the streets to fight. They were better off escaping.

"That way!" Max shouted heroically and pointed a finger. Everyone was about to take a step in said direction when suddenly a blurring figure crashed right into her with the force of something that felt like a train. Don't ask, she just knew. Max caught a strong whiff of some strange cologne and her head spun.

"Hey, watch where you're standin'!" snarled the boy, who was wearing an outrageously large sombrero and poncho. He nearly tripped over the fallen Max, but neatly spun on his heel to regain his balance. Something underneath his poncho flared out on his back, but the boy kept on running. Max noticed that the boy ran strangely with his gangly-looking legs going all over the place and his arms akimbo. Nothing seemed to be synchronized. At one point, one of the boy's legs went impossibly straight up in the air while his arms lifted over his shoulders and flailed wildly. It was one of the most embarrassing things Max had ever seen. The boy also left a trail of pink feathers in his wake.

Well, at least the sombrero and poncho were normal.

…No. Not really.

Max sat on the ground, dumbfounded and unaware that the palms of her hands were bleeding slightly. Fang, in dire need of some love, helped her up. Of course, by then the Erasers were right in front of them, destroying his chance to woo his fair lady.

"Oh my golly gosh, they're on us like steam on freshly baked muffins!" cried the very much forgotten Total. Please insert live audience laugh track here.

Fortunately for Total, no one took heed of his lame zinger.

The flock tensed and got ready to fight as the Erasers neared them. Right away, the Erasers morphed into a pack of horrifying bipedal wolves.

Innocent people who just happened to be there occasionally threw odd glances at them.

"Oh, since the scene that I'm witnessing here is certainly out of the norm, I must exclaim and question out obliviously if a movie is being filmed despite the clear lack of cameras and stage crew," said random passerby #36 with wide eyes.

"I was just about to suggest that," murmured passerby #85, "But I will let you do the honors."

Passerby #36 nodded her thanks and let out an exaggerated yell of, "Hey, are they filming a movie?!"

And apparently that did the trick of getting everyone who wasn't directly involved in the plot to turn the other way and continue about their business.

Max glowered at the sight of Ari. She balled her fist and threw a spectacular punch towards his face.

… and missed, causing her momentum to go haywire and landing her fist right on Iggy's jaw. Iggy, who somehow knew that he couldn't escape the author's attempt to get him hurt, just sighed and accepted the blow without much complaint. It was a very disappointing reaction.

Ari had run straight past Max. His pack of Erasers ignored the flock and made a careful circle around them before they continued running.

"After him!" Came Ari's fading shout. Pretty soon he and his posse disappeared down the long and crowded sidewalk.

There was a long and bewildered pause.

The flock shuffled on their feet awkwardly, trying to assimilate what happened. This was their first time seeing Erasers and not having to run away, fight, or engage them in some sort of violent confrontation. It was almost kind of scary.

"They just ignored us!" Gazzy said, sounding insulted.

Not used to this new feeling of being forgotten, everyone stared dazedly off into space. Eventually they came upon a silent and mutual agreement.

"After them!" Max yelled and pointed once again in the direction of their adversaries.

The flock took off.

Moments later, Angel started slowing down and Fang had to carry her. With Iggy holding on to his belt loop and dragging him behind and Angel bouncing gleefully in his arms, Fang grew tired and had to stop. Max rounded up on Fang.

"I can't take you anymore! You're so useless!" she screamed.

Taken aback by the unexpected display of OOCness, Fang didn't know what to say. However, his hair conveyed his depressed feelings and flipped over both his eyes in the ultimate gesture of emo-tastic-ness.

But before Max could go on, she smelled something peculiar in the air.

"Hey, do you guys smell anything funny?" she asked.

Fang, deciding that it was Max's special time of month, shook his head meekly. The rest of the flock mimicked him. Max frowned and sniffed loudly. She turned around in a full circle and walked off. The flock obediently followed her into a dark alleyway.

"Pst…" Fang whispered to Nudge, "Is it just me or did it suddenly become nighttime?"

Nudge slapped him.

"I can't believe how racist you're being!" she said hotly, "I don't find that comment funny at all. What kind of jerk says that sort of thing anyway? I thought I knew you, Fang. Apparently I don't anymore. Nothing is the same with you! Ever since that time fifteen years ago." She turned away, tears sparkling.

Five seconds later she recovered.

Fang belatedly put a hand to his stinging cheek. Nothing made sense. Nudge wasn't even born fifteen years ago and he was confused by the change from being a bright and sunny afternoon to a dark and forlorn night in an alleyway. His fingernails started to darken until it became black. Since his eyes were already covered, it was the next step he had to take. Slowly, he reached into his pocket and took out a razor blade.

Meanwhile, Max and the rest of the gang went deeper into the alleyway. Coming into a half, she sniffed again and peered into the darkness where a dumpster rested suspiciously in view.

"Hey, I know you're there. I can smell your cologne from here," she called out, "And… uh… I can see you're hat sticking out."

The sombrero twitched and the boy stood up from his hiding spot. His yellow eyes glowed eerily at Max and he quickly got out of the dumpster. He took off his giant hat but his poncho was askew. A pair of pink wings shifted restlessly on his back and the boy idly tucked a tuff of equally bright pink hair behind his ear.

"Maximum Ride! It's you!" he said happily and walked over to her.

The flock stared.

"Oh, my god!" Max exclaimed.

The boy smirked.

"Not exactly. My name's Minimum Walk, but you can call me that too," he said huskily.

With a swift grab, he pulled Max close to his chest, tilted her head, and kissed her on the lips.

* * *

End cha- 

In an unheard defiance of chapter endings, Fang gave a feral scream and plunged his four inch razor into Minimum's arm.

* * *

End chapter. (4reelz) 


	4. Hello Love, GoodBye Logic

**AN:** In which we can safely conclude that I will never write a songfic or another story so nauseatingly laden with dialogue ever again. I was dry-heaving throughout this chapter.**

* * *

**

**Chapter 4:** **Hello Love, Good-Bye Logic**

_"You know… I don't know what it is,  
but everything about you is so irresistible." _

- Jessica Simpson, Irresistible.  
Put this song on repeat as you read this. I'm serious.

* * *

The razor stuck out of Minimum's arm like a bad punk fashion accessory. The boy momentarily pulled away from Max and lolled his head to smile impishly.

_Don't you try and tell me that he's not my type  
To hide what I feel inside  
When he makes me weak with desire. _

"F-Fang!" Max gasped. Her brain was going through a malfunction and she wordlessly kept looking from Minimum to Fang to the razor. Her thought process was painfully simple and could be divided into to main parts.

Some dude she didn't even know kissed her.

And that Fang just stabbed the guy.

The funny thing was, she couldn't make the connection between the two. However, her mouth was covered once again as Minimum kissed her more deeply. Max gave a groan that was meant to convey her shocked and confused feelings, but both Minimum and Fang took it the wrong way.

_I Know that I'm supposed to make him wait  
Let him think I like the chase but I can't  
Stop fanning the fire, I know I meant to say no._

Fang exploded.

Theoretically speaking, of course. Literal implications might have made no sense at all. He shoved Minimum out of reach from Max, finally breaking their kiss.

_But he's irresistible  
Up close and personal,  
Now inescapable, I can hardly breathe._

"What is your problem?" Minimum scowled, stepping up to Fang, "I was just saying hi and you come along and stab me! What the heck is wrong with you?"

"My problem?" Fang asked, exasperated, "You're the one who's making out with a complete stranger!"

"Woah! Max making out? What did I just miss?" Iggy asked, sounding appalled. Nudge was busy covering Angel's eyes.

"You're saying that I can't kiss a pretty girl?" Minimum challenged.

"Max doesn't even know you!" Fang said. He glanced over to Max to affirm his claim. When she didn't say anything, he became sickeningly worried. "Max? You don't know this creep, right?"

Max was staring at Minimum, a slightly perplexed and awed expression on her face. She nervously licked her dry lips.

_More than just  
Physical deeper than spiritual  
His ways are powerful  
And irresistible to me. _

"Voice," she said finally, "It's not helping when you're singing that song in my head."

"What are you talking about?" the Voice said, "I never sing. If I was, then the lyrics would be included as part of my dialogue, therefore it would be enclosed in quotations and not shown as italicized."

"What?" Max asked, bewildered.

The Voice muted itself.

"Nevermind," it said hastily, "… um, you might want to stop your old boyfriend from beating the tar out of your new one… instead of.. you know.. talking to yourself."

"Voice, Fang and the weird guy aren't my boyfriends. And for the record, I wasn't talking to myself, I was talking to you."

"Yes, but that's not what everyone else sees."

Which was true. When Max looked up, Iggy, Angel, and Nudge were all staring at her as if she had grown an extra appendage or something of that sort.

"I was talking to the Voi-" Max tried to explain but Iggy cut her off.

"Yeah….yeah. We knew that," he said with a suspicious amount of cheery conviction.

Nudge, Angel, and Iggy all nodded enthusiastically. Max gave a long-suffering sigh and decided to focus her attention on more pressing matters.

Speaking of which, Fang was currently pressing Minimum painfully against the ground by more or less sitting on him. Minimum was still bleeding profusely with the razor sticking out from his arm but other than that, it was more of a verbal fight than anything else.

"What kind of stupid name is Minimum Walk?" Fang hissed, gripping Minimum's neck and attempting to strangle the boy.

_Don't you think I'm trying to tell my heart what's right  
That I should really say goodnight  
But I just can't stop myself falling_

"That's some strong words coming from a dude who calls himself a pointy tooth," Minimum responded in kind. He wheezed out a choking laugh, "But hey.. me and Maximum match at least. We're a couple… so it's cute."

No man should ever utter the word cute. Even Fang knew that.

"Your wings and hair are pink! You disgust me!" he yelled and tightened his grip. Minimum started to look like an interesting combination color of cotton candy.

"You're _mom_ disgusts me!"

"I don't have a mom!"

"Gee, I wonder why! Are you mitotic? Or… Hah! You're father produces his young asexually!" Minimum jeered in what was the best insult ever.

Fang thought about it for a moment and eventually came up with not liking the sound of it.

"How can you talk like that when I blocking your air supply?! Just die already!"

Magically, Minimum suddenly realized that Fang was right. He shouldn't have been able to talk at all. While contemplating why such a paradox occurred was interesting, he wisely chose to save it for later and take advantage of his unexplainable state.

"Did…" Minimum began, wheezing out every word, "…you know… ugh… that if you take out… huuh… the 'n' in fang…ahh… you get-"

"Ooh.. that's _real_ clever, I haven't heard that one in, like, five minutes."

"Guilty," admitted Iggy and Nudge at the same time.

And as fun as it was to listen to the two argue, Max got down and bodily separated the rowdy boys. However, as soon as she caught a whiff of Minimum's cologne, she needed to sit back. The smell was insanely strong and she wondered how Fang could stay at such a close distance. She swayed and fell against Minimum, much to Fang's distress.

_Maybe I'll tell him that I feel the same  
That I don't want to play no game  
Cause when I feel his arms wrapped around me  
I know I'm meant to say no (I meant to say no)_

"Oooh, hey babe," Minimum said, propping himself up.

Max clung on to his shirt, finding the smell to be pleasantly intoxicating now. She shook her head to clear out her cluttered thoughts. Blushing, she abruptly got up.

"Hey… um.. Minimum, you're sort of… bleeding… a lot," she stammered, "Do you want me to…?"

Fang looked devastated. Minimum paled and slid his yellow eyes down to his bloody arm. He slowly stood up and gave a twitching grin. He started to look a little green.

"Nah, Max-babe," he said, "This is nothing compared to what I usually get. Now, if you'll excuse me… I'll be right back in a minute. Don't move."

It was amazing how his mouth could easily tell a lie, but his face was just screaming, _'Oh god, I'm bleeding and there's a razor stuck in my arm.'_ It was so obvious, but the flock didn't have the heart to destroy his tough-guy demeanor, not even Fang.

Minimum shot out of the alleyway, limbs floundering. The flock stared after him and then moved into a group huddle.

_He's irresistible  
up close and personal  
Now inescapable  
I can hardly breathe_

"I think we should take him in," said Angel, the ever sympathetic little girl who couldn't leave an injured creature behind, "He's hurt and has funny thoughts. Max, what's mastr-"

"-absolutely not!" Fang said, "He's not joining the flock… and Angel, don't you ever read Minimum's mind again."

"Aw, but I agree with Angel," Nudge said, "We can't just leave him for the Erasers."

"I'm siding with Fang," Iggy said, shrugging. He was thinking about the ratio of girl to guys. With Minimum joining, the scale would tip and Iggy just liked things balanced. Six was a good number. Yes. Good.

_More than just physical  
Deeper than spiritual (oh yeah)  
His ways are powerful  
Irresistible to me_

"Well… I think we should-" Max began, but the Voice blocked cut her off.

"Max, Minimum Walk is dangerous. Don't let him follow you. Get rid of him."

"But," Max argued, "Why? The Erasers were chasing him! He's one of us… except a little more pink, Voice."

"Then choose whatever you feel is right."

"For god's sake, Voice," Max said, exasperatedly, "Can't you give me a straight answer for once?"

The Voice didn't reply. Max waited as the rest of the flock pretended to be deaf.

"Hey, Voice! Ugh! You suck."

Suddenly the Voice came back, its calm monotone sounding quite angry now.

"It's always 'Hey Voice' this and 'Hey Voice' that. I'm so sick of you're demanding attitude!" said the Voice, "I did give you a straight answer; you just never listen and always bitch about it. You think _you_ have it hard? Try living in your own brain! God, I just wish you could shut up or stop thinking thoughts for a minute so I can have some peace and quiet…"

Max took an unconscious step back. The Voice had never lost it before. Sure, it had been sarcastic at times, but never anything else-

"I can hear what you're thinking," it said disgustedly, "get over it, I have feelings too!"

"Voice…"

"Oh, and that's another thing! Just because I'm a voice inside your head, you think that's actually my name?" it continued, the pitch getting higher and more indignant until it was practically screaming, "I congratulate your creativity, Max. It's no wonder why I fucking love being your fucking conscience! I have a fucking name, you artarded-butt-munching ho!"

Max was startled into being meek.

"I-I'm sorry," she said awkwardly, "I just assumed that… oh, nevermind. Is it too late to ask for your name then?"

"…No," the Voice said huffily.

"Oh. Um… what's you're name?" Max asked, shifting into a kindly state to palliate the Voice. It would do her no good if her so-called conscience started hating her.

"It's Ryan."

"Well… uh… Thank you, Ryan. I'm very happy to share my head with you."

This lovely conversation would have one on, but Minimum made his appearance into the alleyway. The boy had mysteriously changed into an oversized white hoodie with its sleeves cut off. The Itex company logo was printed in a splattered design on the front. That in itself was enough to convince Max that maybe taking in Minimum wasn't a good idea. She took an overall look of him and found that the rims of his eyes were oddly red. Fang was actually the one who had noticed it first though.

"Dude, were you crying?" Fang asked gleefully.

Minimum shuffled up to them, glaring at Fang. He hastily wiped his eyes, sniffed, and twiddled his thumbs.

"No."

"Aw, it's okay, Minimum," Angel said, "Fang stabbed you pretty hard. It must've hurt. It's okay to cry."

"I wasn't crying!"

Iggy tilted his head and started to reach out to touch Minimum's injury. "Here, let me feel if your arm's alright."

However, the Minimum drew back and hissed like a cat. Even his pink hair stuck up on end.

"Don't touch me!" he shrieked in a not-so-manly way. With a little skip and hop, distanced himself away. A manila folder fell out from the impossible large pocket of his hoodie. In fact, the action alone defied time and space but Minimum was too busy in the process of freaking out to notice. The flock, on the other hand, was more curious about the folder than the actual wonderment of how it fit right inside Minimum's pocket.

"Oh my golly!" said Total, who hadn't had anything relatively important to say since his fist appearance in Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment. Everyone expectedly ignored him.

Fang picked up the folder before Minimum could protest and opened it. His eyes widen ever so slightly and he quietly handed the folder to Max. Taking it, she leafed through the papers inside, arousing the curiosity of the younger members of the flock. She pulled out a photo and squinted at it.

"What is it?" Nudge asked, peering over Max's shoulder, "… woah. Is that Jeb?!"

"Hehe. He's covered in strawberry jam," Angel giggled morbidly, "And his body's in pieces."

Her little hint of evilness was mistaken for guileless innocence, as usual. Only Iggy had enough sense to glance in her direction with a slightly uneasy expression on his face.

Minimum, apparently recovered from his little episode, smirked.

"Yeah. I just nicked his autopsy report while I was running away from the Erasers. I think Ari wanted it back."

Max slowly lowered the folder. She stared at Minimum.

_Whenever he's close to me  
I really find it hard to breathe  
He's so irresistible_

"You killed Jeb?"

"Baby, I did it all for you."

The flock gagged. Except for Max. She put the photo away and took a quick step towards Minimum. She held out her hand, an insanely huge grin on her not-so-sane looking face.

"Welcome to the flock, Minimum. Hey, may I call you Mini?"

_Baby you know  
It's more than just spiritual  
His ways are powerful  
He's so irresistable  
(You're so irresistable) _

"I'm down with that," Mini said, saving the author from having to type out three extra letters ever again.

Fang was about to scream. Iggy was turning around in ovals. Angel was clapping. Nudge started jabbering.

Gazzy, who had gone mysteriously missing up until now, suddenly burst into the scene. He was dirty, bruised, and panting. The ten-year old boy looked at everyone, from the raging Fang to the love-stricken Max. He decided that it would be for the best if he did not ask. Instead, he waved his arms frantically.

"Guys, you wouldn't believe what just happened to me! I was in the alleyway when this huge gaping hole swallowed me up and-"

_He's so irresistible  
(You're so irresistible)_

"GOD. I HATE THAT SONG WITH A PASSION," Iggy suddenly yelled. Everyone jumped at the sudden use of caps-lock.

"What are you taking about?" Max asked. She had recently mastered the art of ignoring things such as the voices inside of her head. This included songs.

"At first I thought it was playing from a radio nearby, but then when it started fitting in with the whole Max and Mini thing, I just let it go. But then I realized that some of the lyrics were cut and then it got all out of synch with what was happening. I've been hearing it ever since we got into this creepy alleyway!"

While Iggy was ranting, everyone had shifted into a crude line. Unknown to their blind friend, they started to do an imperative dance. Max was lip-singing with Mini dirty dancing (or attempting to) on her. Fang, Nudge, Angel, and Gazzy provided a beautiful array of background movements. It was such a spectacular show.

_He's irresistible (yeah)  
up close and personal  
Now inescapable  
I can hardly breathe  
More than just physical  
Deeper than spiritual  
His ways are powerful  
Irresistible to me_

And then the song ended.

Iggy turned around and would have been in time to see Max, Mini, Fang, Nudge, Angel, and Gazzy do the last, dramatic, finishing pose... if it weren't for the fact that he was blind.

"You're hearing things, Iggy," Nudge said, getting up from the ground and uncrossing her arms and legs.

"You sure you don't have a Voice like Max?" Angel asked, climbing down from the human pyramid that consisted of Fang, Gazzy, and Mini.

Iggy, ignorant of the abnormal scene in front of him, shrugged helplessly.

And, in a worldwide epidemic of short attention spans, the flock walked off to go eat lunch.

* * *

End chapter. 


	5. The Radical cannot be Squared

**AN:** Thank you all for the reviews. They make me very, very happy. Oh yes. I will reply to them soon. Meanwhile.. entertain yourself with this... _thing_.

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**Chapter 5: The Radical cannot be Squared**

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During the 1950s, the flamingo was one of America's most famous animal icons. The bright pink color was visually appealing to what was a dreary, grey, and flat lifestyle of the Americans prior to the 1900s. With the sudden boom of plastic manufacturing, industries were able to create other bold colors such as lime green, neon orange and, of course, hot pink. Among the colorful products were automobiles, refrigerators, washing machines, and pink flamingo lawn ornaments. Flamingoes became preposterously popular to the American culture and one cannot help but think if it was all some sort of secret conspiracy. The cities' suburbs were littered with flamingo lawn ornaments, making it quite reasonable to create an army. Yet to the ignorant Americans, the animal represented the United States' flamboyance, style, gaudiness, and... most importantly, wealth. 

"You're telling me that you ordered _fourteen_ shrimp cocktails?" Max exclaimed, dropping her fork.

"No," Mini explained patiently, over a sea of empty cocktail glasses, "I'm telling you that I _ate _fourteen shrimp cocktails and that I'm ordering at _least_ five more."

The newly formed flock was sitting in at a modest diner that offered a variety of different types of food. The restaurant workers were kind enough for them to fill up three tables and the sheer number of plates they used up was enough to make the dishwasher stab himself in the heart. Fortunately for California, the unemployment rate went down so everything was okay.

"Combining all of us together plus you... the bill's going to be staggering," Iggy said, eyes rolling up to the ceiling as he made some quick calculations. After a while he gave up and shook his head. "Mini, that's seven dollars a cocktail."

"Yes, but each cocktail has only three pieces of shrimp," Mini said slowly, as if he was speaking to an incredibly stupid child, "Which is _obviously_ not enough for a meal."

Even Angel, who was an avid cash spender herself, looked a little pained.

"Does it… um… have to be shrimp cocktails?"

Mini looked appalled. "Yes," he sputtered, "In case you haven't noticed, but I'm a flamingo hybrid. My diet consists of food with high amounts alpha and beta-carotene… which is shrimp, duh."

"Carrots are also high in alpha and beta carotene," Fang pointed out bluntly, "You should've ordered that instead. It's cheaper."

"Shut up and go eat rats, hawk-boy," Mini replied with a smile.

Fang colored slightly, but his cool expression did not change.

"Raven," he corrected, "I'm a raven hybrid. Max is a hawk."

"Oooh, I'm dreadfully sorry," Mini drawled, "I meant to say… '_Shut up and go eat worms, Raven-boy'_.'"

Fang decided that Mini's constant sarcasm with him did not merit a comeback. Nudge, having finished her third cheap burger, placed a finger on her bottom lip. She glanced at Mini.

"Alpha and beta carotene isn't even specifically essential to you're diet. You're also mainly human, so… you should be able to eat other things," she said with a cough, earning herself a smug smile from Fang. Mini gave her a glare that would have buried the earth under six miles of ice.

"God, do I have to draw you guys a picture?" Mini asked, throwing his arms up in the air and smacking a passing waiter. The waiter gave a scream and tossed the tray he was carrying up into the air. Chaos ensued around the flock's tables as food was being flung everywhere. Mini seethed, pointing angrily to his hair.

"How else am I suppose to keep my luxurious pink color from fading? I eat _shrimp,_ that's how. I need the pigments, dammit!"

Max was already taking out her anorexic wallet and leafing through her old receipts for a missed dollar. Just her luck. Upon realizing that she did not have enough money, she sat back abruptly and quietly put her wallet back into her pocket. She propped her elbows on the table and brooded. This was a problem.

"Hey… Mini…" she said.

However, a pretty waitress appeared behind Mini, causing Max to clamp her jaw shut.

"Here you go, sir!" the waitress chirped, "Five shrimp cocktails!" She set the dishes in front of Mini.

"Thank you," Mini replied with a flirtatious grin. The young waitress gave a giggle and flounced off.

That was thirty-five more dollars added on to their increasing bill. Max was quickly going over what options she had left. The flock was nearly finished with their food and there was already a waiter coming up to her with a terribly long receipt roll that dragged on the floor behind him. She glanced at Fang, who gave her a feeble shrug. The flock seemed to get the silent message and started shoving the rest of the food down with a new sense of desperateness…except Mini, who was still trying to get the attention of the waitress.

"Ma'am, are you ready to pay?" the waiter asked once he reached her.

Max tried to imitate Mini's flirtatious smile. She miserably failed, only causing the sixty year-old waiter to raise a questioning eyebrow. She whipped out her credit card but the waiter coughed politely.

"I'm sorry, but we only accept cash."

"Figures," Iggy muttered, "Out of the millions of restaurants here…'

The waiter blinked owlishly as he watched Maximum shift uncomfortably in her seat. Being quite experienced in his line of work, he was quick to pick up on situations that might damage his payment. There was many a poor ruffian who came disappointed when they found out that ditching the bill was nearly impossible with him on duty. The waiter leaned slightly towards Max and gave another polite cough.

"Ma'am? Is there an… ah… issue with the payment?" he asked in a genial manner that reeked of a dangerous undertone.

"Issue? Nope, no. Not at all," Max replied, fidgeting with her napkin, "Haha, I don't see why there would be a-"

Just then, the restaurant's glass doors burst open and windows shattered. Patrons screamed and ducked in confusion while waiters and waitresses dropped they're trays in shock. Ten fully morphed Erasers swiftly came in, tearing down everything in their path.

"We're saved!" cheered Gazzy as the flock all got up to run away from the very befuddled waiter.

However, the Erasers had blocked the exits and Max began to process the whole situation. She divided her options into two categories.

One; stay, kick butt, pay the bill, and be heroes.

Two; fight through the Erasers and then run the hell away.

It didn't take Max very long to decide. She launched herself at Ari and gave him a full kick to his chest. Meanwhile, Fang was easily grappling with two big Erasers and Nudge was sitting on a table, legs crossed, and chatting an Eraser to death.

"And, like, isn't Mini such a hottie? He's so stupid though! You know how boys are, since you're one too. You guys are so silly. Fang has got some bad vibes with Mini though. I don't know why. Do you know why? Oh, I like chocolate cake too, you know. Can you eat chocolate cake? I heard dogs can't. But you're part wolf, so does that count? Ew, you're sort of foaming at the mouth now. Fang does that sometimes. It's usually when he's with Max, but don't tell him I told you. He'll get mad. Hey, how does it feel like to be an Eraser? I bet you're a real looker without all that fur. Most Erasers are, huh? How do you guys look so hot and morph so ugly? I think it's just awesome-"

The Eraser keeled over and died.

Nudge casually glanced down, twirling a finger through her curly hair. She hopped off the table, tapped an unoccupied Eraser on the shoulder, and continued her death-by-talking process.

Angel was doing her own little freak talent, which gets awfully repetitive to read since all she does is mind-control her enemies. So in summary, she got an Eraser to eat some chocolate. Being somewhat of the canine persuasion, the Eraser gagged and died too.

Iggy, who had picked up knife-throwing over the two years, was flinging eating utensils at unsuspecting enemies. A couple of Erasers had turned into a pincushion of forks, butter knives, and even spoons. Gazzy, just itching to combust something, had to settle with finding more artillery for Iggy.

"Fork," Gazzy intoned duly, putting one into Iggy's hand.

The blind boy hurled it and there was a roar of pain.

"Steak knife," listed Gazzy.

Iggy paused, heard an Eraser snarl from fifteen feet away, and threw the knife. It impaled on the Eraser's forearm, just as it was about to hit an annoyed Fang.

"Hey, Iggy, I don't really need your help," Fang called out and as he irritably delivered an uppercut.

"Sorry…" Iggy sighed, feeling like a useless piece of dead weight.

"Salt shaker," said Gazzy.

Iggy took it and tossed it was careless ease towards another roaring Eraser. The shaker flew and wedged itself between its jaws. The Eraser choked as salt sprinkled into his throat. Eventually the Eraser died a slow and painful death of dehydration.

"I hate being blind," Iggy said sadly. Gazzy patted his friend on the back.

Max, now covered in bleeding scratches, was still working on Ari. While everyone had cool powers, she only had this inconvenient super speed thing that was hindering when fighting in close quarters. She was doing a good job of blocking Ari's furious blows. He wasn't really a challenge either, being that his eyes were closed and he was just flailing his arms in hopes that he would hit her. The trouble was, Max was starting to get a little bored and being bored never boded well with her, especially now that the Voice had developed this animated personality.

"Ooh, kick him-" said Ryan, flashing a particularly unpleasant image in her mind, "-there!"

Max's mind reeled and she nearly threw up on her adversary. Instead, Ari grazed her cheek with his fist.

"Ryan, that's disgusting!" she said, ducking.

"But you think about that stuff all the time!" Ryan protested.

"No, _you_ think about that stuff," Max snarled, lifting her fist and grinding it into Ari's stomach, "You're just getting our consciences confused again."

Ryan didn't have anything constructive to say after that.

Max, now a little bit angrier than what she would've liked to be, backed away from Ari. She reached into the pocket of her windbreaker.

"Max, I love you!" said Ari, who was contradicting himself by trying to rake his claws through her. Silly boy.

Max frowned. The flock had unlimited money that was provided by her mysterious credit card that was given to her two years ago. It never ran out of money, though they eventually found out that they had a monthly limitation of one thousand dollars. It wasn't too bad, so the flock usually cashed out all the money and saved bits and parts of it for something important. Over the months, they began buying a few expensive items of interest. However, purchasing a laptop, iPOD, cell phone, and CD player proved to be utter failures for their lack of practicality. After traveling so much and fighting most of the time, the electronics were soon lost, broken, or dropped. Disappointed but compromising, the flock took a vote and decided to buy something that was a little more useful and adjustable to their nomadic way of life. However, they had purchased it over two months ago and never found the need to use it.

_So_ _might as well._

"I love ya too, lil' bro," Max said grimly.

She withdrew her hand from her pocket and steadily aimed the 10mm Glock 29 at Ari. Clicking all three safeties off, she then proceeded to fire all ten rounds into the wolf-boy. Five on his chest, five in his head. Point blank.

Ari fell and died.

"You killed Ari!' gasped an Eraser.

"Bastard!" exclaimed another.

Max didn't stick long enough to explain that Ari was not really dead. He never '_really_' died and killing him over and over again was becoming a tedious task. He just showed up later with a new upgrade or something like that. Really now. The first two times were really shocking, but like Fang's hair, that stuff got old fast.

The flock abandoned their fighting posts and ran through the broken windows, leaving the flabbergasted Erasers and unpaid waiter behind.

The day was unbelievably bright and sunny, just what one would expect on the beaches of California. The clear blue ocean puked out white foamed waves and was lazily ingested into the creamy soft sand. The temperature leaned towards the warm side of things, much to the chagrin of the flock since they were running in stifling sweaters.

"Where's Mini?" Max asked, remembering that she had not seen him since the Erasers came. She still held the warm gun in her hand. Fang motioned for her to put it away with a frown. "What?" she asked, putting the glock back into her pocket.

"Fang's just mad that you got to use the gun," Angel said.

"… was not," Fang muttered stiffly, tucking back the emo chunk of hair that had plastered itself over his right eye.

"Hey, Mini's over there," Gazzy said, pointing to a blur of pink that was a full block ahead of them and was sitting on a bench.

"Hey guys!" Mini said, waving. The flock crowded around him, scowling.

"You ran away while we were fighting!" Iggy accused.

"Me? Run away like a coward? Never! I was employing an evasion maneuver."

"…That still sounds like running away to me," grumbled Max.

"Max, it was merely a tactical withdrawal for us to regroup and buy us some time.. Warriors do it all the time," said Mini, nodding.

"Okay, now you're just using fancy words to rephrase what we've stated."

"Well, fine. Have it your way," Mini scoffed, standing up, "So how about we 'run away' from that second pack of Erasers now?"

The flock glanced behind them and sure enough, another group of Erasers were headed towards them.

"You know… tactical withdrawal did sound kind of cool," Nudge said.

Mini was already several feet ahead of them. Max and the rest of the flock followed his lead. In a few minutes, it became increasingly apparent that Mini had no sense of direction after making four consecutive left turns around a corner. On the fifth turn he threw everyone off by hanging a right and jumping a fence into someone's backyard.

"I don't get it," Fang said, climbing the fence, "we were running in the middle of a busy metropolis when suddenly we go into a quiet neighborhood of houses. It doesn't make sense."

"Your _mom_ doesn't make sense," Mini snapped off as a reflex.

Fang resisted the urge to attempt something violent and bloody. It was difficult, but he managed to suppress his pent up anger and converted into something less harmless, like poetry. Because everyone _knew_ how good he was at it. The boy could put Sheil Siverstein to shame. Runny Babbit and all that.

The flock made their way through the backyard, careful not to crush the majority of the flowerbeds. Needless to say, their efforts were rendered useless as the Erasers didn't give the poor flowers the same consideration. They plowed through, kicking dirt and clouds of dust. Fang glanced around his shoulder and skidded to a halt. There were only eight Erasers. They would be easy to beat now that their psycho leader, Ari, was down and out.

"Max, it'll be easier to fight them," Fang shouted.

Max had also stopped running, her expression set in a grim smile. The rest of the flock turned around, getting ready. Unfortunately, Mini wasn't quite able to see the benefits of not running away.

"Are you guys crazy?" he asked. Mini lingered at the top of the fence, placing his hands on his hips. "They outnumber us and are like, freakin' huge! We'll be killed or severely disfigured at the very least!"

"Size isn't everything," Fang snapped, his gaze scornful.

"Yeah. Only flat-chested girls and dickless guys say that," Mini said, looking skeptically from Fang's torso to his groin region, "So the question is, Toothy… which one of those are _you_?"

Actions often spoke louder than words. Fang casually picked up a broken potted plant and hurled it. The pot flew and connected solidly with Mini's forehead. The boy gave an undignified scream and fell into the adjacent backyard.

"Fang!" Max exclaimed, clearly disapproving.

Fang scowled but didn't say anything due to scene time constrictions. One has to remember that the boy wasn't very witty with his diction.

The Erasers came and descended upon the flock. However, before anyone could actually open a can of butt-whoop, Mini poked his head over the fence and lobbed something towards the astonished Erasers.

"Pink flamingo!" he shouted.

A plastic lawn ornament plopped right between the flock and wolf pack. Instant pandemonium gripped the Erasers and they started to run around the pink flamingos in a hypnotic frenzy because everyone knows that Erasers had a big weakness against pink plastic flamingos.

It was a conspiracy only known to a select few. Apparently the flock wasn't one of those selected few. However, they wisely chose to ponder this at a later date. They quickly climbed over the fence and landed in the backyard Mini was in.

"What was that about?" Gazzy asked, making a face as one of the Erasers screamed ecstatically.

"No time to explain," Mini huffed, running over to the modest looking white house with green trimming. He jiggled the handle to the back door and found it unlocked. "Quick, in here!"

The flock hesitated.

"What for?" Max asked. Even she had to be dubious of Mini's objectives and reasoning. It started to become very hard to follow. Unless it had to do something with boosting his over-inflated ego, then Max was pretty sure she had him figured out. However, despite knowing what a vain person he was, she couldn't deny that there was some part of her that was attracted towards Mini.

He took her hand and that ended all arguments there. She inhaled sharply but Mini didn't seem to notice and started dragging her into the house.

"This house had the pink flamingo! It's a good sign. It means that they're part of the conspiracy," Mini explained. He took off his jacket, revealing his bright wings. "One look at these beauties and this whole household will worship me!"

"Uh… I don't think that's how it works…" Iggy said, feeling his way through the door.

The flock entered the house, which was a bit cluttered with furniture. Fang, having more useful brain cells than the rest, locked the door and closed the curtains of the windows. They went into the kitchen, unsure of what to do.

From a nearby bathroom, a toilet flushed, causing everyone to jump.

" :0 " Mini emoted out of surprise.

The flock stared at him as if he was a telemarketer that had physically manifested out of a phone. They were horrified enough to pee in their pants right then and there. They all looked at him.

"What… was… that?" Fang whispered, aghast.

"What was what?" asked Mini and proceeded with, " o.o ?"

"That right there!" Gazzy squeaked, "You just did it."

Mini blinked and then grinned in realization. "Didn't I tell you? I speak fluent Emoticon."

"It's the vilest thing I've ever heard," Iggy paled.

Angel choked back a sob, her innocence forever destroyed.

"Huh? Do you guys want to learn? I can teach you. :D"

"N-no…" Fang gasped, clamping both hands over his ears, "Stop… please… it… hurts."

Mini frowned, about to tell them that they were being silly. However, a teenaged girl wearing a Hello Kitty muumuu trudged into the kitchen. She went straight to the refrigerator and lazily gave the flock a glance. She opened it and paused.

Her sleepy-eyed expression blinked and changed into something more puzzling. Closing the refrigerator door, she slowly turned her head to face the flock. Not use to having strangers in the house while she was wearing glasses and pajamas, the girl squawked and pointed uselessly.

"Hi!" Mini said brightly, only making the girl back away.

She looked at each flock member, but her eyes rested on Iggy.

Iggy started to shake uncontrollably.

"Sel… suh.. sel… fuh…" he stammered in fear. He paled until his face was ghastly white.

"What?" Fang asked, getting ready to fight the girl. Iggy never became this scared of anything.

The girl tilted her head and scratched it. She shifted uncomfortably, aware that she was in a muumuu in front of a couple of good-looking studs. It wasn't the kind of first impression she would've liked.

"Ser… Suh… uumn…" Iggy squeaked.

"Iggy, what's wrong?" Gazzy asked, tugging on the boy's sleeve.

"In… ah… ugh…"

The girl started to edge closer to the flock. Even Mini was starting to look less secure.

"Out with it, blindy!" he said.

"Ooh… ser.. suh…"

"…Hi," the girl said and waved meekly.

Iggy snapped, all but jumping on the poor Fang and clinging on to the flock's macho man. Fang staggered.

"Self-Insertion!" Iggy shrieked in terror.

The flock became deathly quiet.

" D: " emoted Tanya.

* * *

End chapter. 


	6. Making the Point

**AN:** A rather disjointed chapter, I'm afraid. Though I suppose that's nothing new, right? Funny, I do believe that it is my favorite chapter. Haha, yes… I have drawn a line somewhere I have made my point and was extremely harsh about it. Pure fun on my part. I shall laugh at the people who are offended by this.

Enjoy!

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**Chapter Six: Making the Point**

* * *

"Demon! Foul beast! God's forsaken! Wicked fiend!" Iggy screamed, pointing at the girl. Fang could do nothing but look bewildered at his friend's phobia. 

"WTF, man," Tanya said, annoyed even though she was wringing the seams of her muumuu in a nervous gesture, "That's hella _rude_…"

"Monster! Blood-thirsty zombie! Fangirl! The devil's spawn!" continued Iggy without pause of breath.

Max, the ever problem solver, literally smacked some sense into the hysterical boy by detaching him from Fang and hitting him over the head with Total. The dog had finally found his true purpose for his whole existence.

Sense smacked and dazed, Iggy quieted down. However, he often gave out little whimpers whenever he anxiously glanced towards the self-insertion. The blind boy kept at least a minimum distance of six feet. The flock plus Mini were also avoiding direct contact, though they did not seem as afraid as Iggy.

The girl, on the other hand, appeared very awkward. She gave curious looks to each flock member, mouth twitching as if she wanted to say something, but was having second and fifth thoughts about it. The girl herself was very average in looks and maybe was even leaning towards the ugly side of things, muumuu or not. She had straight black hair, a tanned complexion, and every teen's ire of having acne problems. In fact, compared with the gorgeous-not-so-average- flock... Iggy had a pretty accurate description of her. _Monster._

"You're… so… ordinary," Angel blurted out.

Nudge interjected, peering closely at the girl. She shook her head.

"Nah. I wouldn't say completely ordinary," Nudge said, thoughtfully, "Everyone has something unique about their features. I'd say she's a bit… unattractive. That's something unique. Not unattractive or pretty enough for a second glance though. Somewhere in the middle. Like a C minus or a D plus."

The girl looked offended.

"Well… thanks," she muttered, self-consciously tucking strands of her hair over her ear, "Look. I think I have some right to ask why there are seven strangers in my house, uninvited. What are you people doing here?"

"Eight," corrected Total, sounding sour.

"Nine!" piped Angel, holding up a very dirty and torn teddy bear.

The self-insertion looked at the talking dog and completely ignored Angel. A look of pure disdain crossed her face and for one quick moment, she had a murderous intent lurking behind her black-rimmed glasses. However, the expression was gone the second Max spoke up.

"My name's Max and these are my friends. We're all avian hybrids that are being chased by Erasers, which are werewolf-like monsters. The Erasers were sent from a place called the School runned by people we call the whitecoats, or scientists. Since our creation, I was told that-"

Tanya gave Max a strange stare which prompted the flock leader to sigh and stop talking. Usually, self-insertions would pick up right away what was going on. Insertions were pretty troublesome things, often turning the storyline into some insane and freakishly comedic events. While Max had a notion that her life was just one big piece of satire at the moment, she still didn't like the idea of a self-insertion screwing with the plot and turning it into one big and ugly OOC-drabble of nonsense.

"Well, since you have no idea what I'm talking about," Max muttered, "I guess you'll be taking over the storyline now…"

"Oh, actually, I understand the general concept," Tanya said, waving her hand airily, "I believe I've read a few books about your exploits."

"Oh," Max said, frowning, "then why do you look so confused?"

Tanya suddenly turned away and muttered something under her breath, hiding the move with a weak cough. Max thought she heard the words, 'novels', 'fiction', and 'crazy'.

"Pardon?"

"It's… nothing," Tanya sniffed. Peering closely at Minimum, she blinked in mild surprise. "Hey! Have we met?"

Minimum took a cautious step back.

"Uh. No," he said, putting his hands up, "If we did, I'm sure I'd recognize such a… cu-… c-… cute… f-face."

The flock was able to stay silent for a grand total of three seconds before exploding into uncontrolled laughter. Fang and Minimum even exchanged high-fives with each other.

"Hah! _Cute! _Nice one!" howled Nudge, leaning forward and holding her stomach.

"Even Mini was having a hard time trying to flirt with her!" Gazzy grinned.

"An A for the effort, man," Max chuckled, patting Mini on the shoulder.

Tanya's bottom lip trembled, but she appeared more irritated than hurt. Honestly, she didn't think she was that ugly. Well, compared with the flock… their standards of 'good-looking' were just higher than hers. She waited with forced patience for the flock to settle down. After three minutes, Tanya became noticeably cross and made a move to kick Total. However, the dog leapt out of the way and everyone stopped in anticipation for the dog to be brutally injured. Unfortunately, Tanya's aim wasn't as sharp as her intent so her foot went astray and kicked nothing but air and Iggy's shin.

Iggy yelped and screamed, backing away until his back hit the wall on the other side of the room. He slid down to the floor and started inspecting his bruised shin. He furiously wiped the area with a piece of his shirt as if it was dirty with mud.

"My bad! Are you okay?" Tanya asked, coming up to him and was about to offer a hand up.

Iggy gave her the deer-in-the-headlights look and shrieked, terrified that the sound of her voice was breeching his six-foot limit. The flock quickly grabbed on to Tanya and pulled her away.

"I was only trying to help," Tanya said apologetically, wincing as Iggy gave another scream.

"Thanks. It's doing wonders for him," Fang said, being helpfully sarcastic.

"I can see we're all going to get along well," Tanya muttered. She sighed and then spoke, trying to be louder than Iggy, "Okay. Back to my question. Why are you guys here?"

Mini and Max smiled appealingly.

"We want to take over your house-"

"-because the Erasers were chasing us-"

"-and we have no where else-"

"-to hide."

"So can we?" they both finished together.

Tanya regarded them with an unabashed stare of disbelief.

"That was disgustingly cute," she said with a twitch of her right eye, "Are you guys a couple?"

Fang gurgled something, but Mini took Max's hand and kissed it.

"That obvious, was it?" he asked with a sly grin.

Max blushed and looked as if she was about to protest. After taking a deep breath through the nose, she didn't bother saying anything in the end. Fax supporters would have been shocked to see that she appeared mildly pleased, if not embarrassed, by Mini.

Fang was absolutely crushed. Had there been an unoccupied corner in the room, he would've been in it. Fortunately, all the corners were in various stages of disarray and cheerfulness that cramped his style.

Tanya glanced back and forth from Mini, Max, and Fang. She frowned at the love-triangle and thought it was a horrible plot device to give the story more drama. Not to mention that she broke the forth wall a number of times already…

The backyard door started to bang loudly. The flock stiffened and Tanya started walking towards it.

"Who is it?" she called.

The reply was a maniacal howl and something that sounded suspiciously like claws scrapping against wood and glass.

"Don't answer it!" shouted Gazzy when Tanya put her hand on the doorknob, "Those are the Erasers!"

Tanya drew back hastily. Noticeably getting jumpy, she ran past the flock and went back into the kitchen. The flock followed her with a surprisingly amount of calm and nonchalance.

"Oh, my god!" Tanya stuttered, grabbing her telephone, "Don't worry, I have the police on speed dial!"

However, Max suddenly tackled Tanya down before she could even press a button. She snatched the phone away and threw it over her shoulder.

"Don't call them!" Max said, pinning Tanya to the ground.

"What?! Well, you didn't have to tackle me!"

"Yes. Yes, I did," Max said, matter-of-factly. She stood back up and brushed she jeans. Maximum Ride had a natural flair for dramatics. A simple verbal command could not compare with the satisfaction of a good tackle. Tanya, on the other hand, had a different opinion.

"Those Erasers are going to break my door down!"

"How strong is your door?" Fang asked, studying the bending wood as the Erasers outside were pushing against it.

"How should I know!" Tanya nearly screamed. Her private life was getting invaded, she was in a muumuu, and she was getting pulled into a bizarre situation that she didn't think was possible. Today wasn't her day.

"Well," Fang began, "the door looks strong enough. I doubt that they'll break it down. We can escape through your front door."

Tanya blinked and did an excellent job of looking confused as heck.

"It'll take the Erasers a while to figure out that there are more doors and windows to break in," he added.

The flock nodded, save for Iggy who refused direct eye contact with the self-insertion… for some pointless reason.

"Alright, then let's go!" Tanya said, anxious to not be devoured by the Erasers. She was the one who couldn't fly, so she had plenty to worry about.

"In that?" Angel asked, gesturing with the muumuu.

Tanya threw her hands up in exasperation.

"Duh! It's not like I'm taking my time escaping from bloodthirsty bipedal wolf experiments!"

The flock winced. They were always one for a decent fashion sense.

"I don't want to be embarrassed by you," Mini said, "Get changed or we'll leave you to the Erasers."

"Am I the only sane one here?" Tanya asked, genuinely frustrated.

"I would rather be dead than get caught escaping with someone that looks like you," Gazzy mumbled. The rest of the flock nodded in agreement. Meanwhile, the door creaked in protest and they could hear the wood start to splinter.

"Fine!" Tanya shouted, already running to her room and slamming the door. There was a brief ruckus coming from her room. After the sound of drawers slamming and clothes being shuffled stopped, she came out of her room. It wasn't much on an improvement, but Tanya had traded in her muumuu for a dull grey sleeveless turtleneck shirt and a pair of dark jeans with faded pink flowery ankle socks. It took her three minutes to dress and by her panting, this suggested that it was a new record for her.

"That it?" asked Mini, looking at Tanya up and down. His expression hinted that Tanya could've done way better.

"Yeah! Sorry I took so long. The Erasers aren't in yet?" she asked, horrifyingly oblivious about her disregard for a good sense of fashion.

"Where are your glasses?"

"Contacts," Tanya answered, eyes twitching and blinking.

"Oh… that explains it," muttered Fang.

The door conveniently chose to break open at that moment. About eleven Erasers came piling in, though it wasn't like anyone was counting. However, there was enough to get Tanya staring openmouthed at the sight of her house being ransacked by odd looking wolf creatures.

"Time to go!" Max said, grabbing on to Tanya's hand and dragging her when the self-insertion stayed rooted on the spot, "Where's the front door?"

Tanya snapped out of her shocked state and helped Max out by running on her own. As pitiful as it was, her running was very much like a fast-paced walk. Max kept a hold on her hand, forcing the girl to go faster.

"Right… here!" Tanya exclaimed, very near breathless even though they had only ran a total of twenty steps.

Unlike Mini who could hold his own, Max knew that Tanya was an instant dead-weight already.

Tanya opened the front door and the flock came rushing out. The enraged howls of Erasers were still close behind them.

"Fly!" Max shouted, taking off her jacket and tying it around her waist. Her wings unfurled and she took two steps back. Mini was already up and flying away and most of the flock had left the ground. She made sure that everyone was clear of the Erasers before taking off herself.

"Hey, how about the aerially impaired?" Tanya asked, raising a brow.

"I'll carry you," Max said, as if Tanya was a grocery bag.

Which, in fact, scared Tanya more than being left behind for the Erasers. However, her chances of surviving the next few chapters were getting increasingly low. It would be better if she went with Max.

"Oh, hell naw…" Tanya whispered, taking a few steps back herself. Suddenly, she was grabbed by the waist by Max and lifted into the air. Against all weight proportions, ratios, aerodynamics, and physics… she was being carried… sort of.

"Ugh… you're heavy," Max muttered into her ear.

Tanya didn't answer. She was too busy staring at the faraway ground with growing horror. Max thought it was at least better than having a panic attack, so she didn't comment.

Mini swooped down in front of Max looking concerned.

"Isn't that self-insertion heavy?" he asked, going close enough so that their wing tips brushed periodically in a fond manner.

"… A little," Max reluctantly admitted. It was really nice of Mini to offer to carry Tanya, but a part of her knew that she would get… jealous. Maybe. It felt very confusing but she didn't have time to think about it when Tanya started to squirm in her grasp. "Woah! Hold still!"

"Sorry," Tanya said, "I just feel really… really… uncomfortable and awkward."

"Here, you want me to get her off you?" Mini asked Max.

"Um… okay," Max said, holding Tanya out as far as she could without dropping her. However, Mini swerved off to the side and flew ahead to where Fang was. Delivering a smack to his head, Mini scowled at a very confused Fang.

"You inconsiderate cad!" Mini shouted, flapping his wings irritably, "Why aren't you helping Max carry that dead weight?"

"Excuse me?" Tanya asked eyes wide.

"What?" Fang exclaimed. He looked back at Max and he flew quickly over. Giving her an apologetic smile that Tanya instinctively go 'aw', he held out his arms. "Sorry, Max. I can carry her."

Max looked as if she was going to refuse, but no girl could resist an emo smile. She colored slightly. "Thanks, Fang…"

"Woah," Tanya interjected, being the unwanted third wheel of a sweet Fax moment, "I have to protest against how you two are going to switch me in midair- aaarrrrghhh!"

Max tossed Tanya to Fang and by some incredible piece of luck, was victorious in transporting their human cargo.

"…I think I peed in my pants…" mumbled Tanya.

"If you did, I'm dropping you," Fang deadpanned, feeling depressed because Max had instantly flown off to talk with Mini.

Upon realizing that she was being carried princess-style by one of the hottest characters of the series, Tanya gaped.

"I detest your personality and emoness," she said, "But there's no denying that you're quite sexy. Up close. With me in your arms. This high in the air." She tried for a smile.

Utterly repulsed, Fang let go of her with a little more purposeful force to call it a complete accident.

Tanya screamed and flailed pathetically in a free fall. She squeezed her eyes shut in order to prevent her life from flashing before her eyes. Unfortunately, it was more of a mental thing in her mind, so flash her life did.

"Dang… I didn't accomplish much," she said a second later, "For a flash that was awfully quick- ulp!"

Tanya unexpectedly landed on top of what appeared to be a very distraught Iggy. She instinctively clung on around his neck and yelped repeatedly as Iggy's wings slapped against her face with every flap. Unfortunately, Iggy was in a panicked mode so his flapping increased by tenfold. It was all very funny. The flock couldn't resist but watch the two people screaming their heads off for very different reasons.

"Get off, get off!" shrieked Iggy, twisting and turning flips to shake the self-insertion off. This only led Tanya to get a tighter grip on him. She even wrapped her legs around his waist. Iggy reached a critical level of fright and started to spiral out of control.

"I'll die if I let go!" Tanya screamed back.

"That's the point!" Iggy wailed hysterically, "Somebody help!"

However, the two had flown off so far that the rest of the flock couldn't hear him. Even if they did, Iggy had a sinking notion that they would've done nothing just to tease him.

"Listen," Tanya said with a surprising amount of authority, "We're going to crash pretty soon. I know you hate me for some reason, but that's no reason to get us both killed."

"That's why you're suppose to let go so _I_ won't have to die!"

Tanya paused delicately. "… You have a point there."

"Exactly," Iggy huffed, still squirming.

"Hey, stop that! I'm being serious! I'm not letting go of you until we land nice and safe. Now please calm down!"

"Haha! Me? Calm down? You're a freakin' self-insertion!" Iggy laughed manically.

"Oh, stop stereotyping! I haven't done anything remotely self-insertion-ish!" Tanya shouted defensively.

"You broke the fourth wall!" Iggy accused.

"But for a very good reason!" Tanya screamed. Glancing down, she saw that they didn't have much time left before they went splat. She took a breath and said with fake calamity, "Okay. Sorry. I'm a stereotypical self-insertion. I think you are cute and if given the chance, I'd date you. I also think you and Fang should be together and enjoy reading pairings that involve-"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Iggy yelled, but he quit thrashing. His body sagged with submission and he flapped his wings to regain air. Tanya sighed with pure relief.

"Thank you," she said.

Iggy mumbled something, heading back towards the ground. He landed a little less than gracefully on a hilly slope of grass and lost his balance. He fell flat on his face with Tanya lying on top of him. Fortunately for hardcore Iggy fans, the intimate position did not have time to mutate into something affectionate.

"Erm… sorry," Tanya said, gingerly getting off as Iggy groaned under her weight. In a polite reflexive gesture, she grabbed his hand and hauled him to his feet.

Surprised, Iggy stumbled and bumped against her. He grabbed on to her shoulders for support and stood up, furiously blushing. He could imagine how both he and Tanya appeared now. Things didn't improve when Tanya was getting equally as red.

"Oh… wow," Nudge said from directly behind them.

Tanya and Iggy turned to look at the flock. They had plenty of time to catch up and see everything.

"Uh… I was just helping him up," Tanya said lamely.

Iggy let go of her shoulders and stared at his hands in disgust. He was contaminated. Screaming, he tried to run away but tripped over the uneven ground.

"It's always me!" he sobbed, "Every time! Always, always, always! Why, god, why?!"

The flock crowded around him, kneeling down to give sympathy pats.

"What are you talking about?" Max asked, rubbing his back.

Iggy sniffled and hiccupped, but he had stopped crying. Instead, he turned back to his hysterical ways.

"_That_!" he shrieked, pointing at Tanya, "That and _me_! Together! It's constantly happening all the time! I hate it! Oh god, it's always me. _Why?_ Why?! These stupid feelings! I don't even know her well enough!"

The flock's collective light bulb lit up, some brighter than others. Surprisingly, Mini's was the brightest. He stood up and pulled out a large whiteboard and a marker out of nowhere. He started to scribble on it.

"Here, I can explain! I think you mean the O.C. and canon pairings! I guess it makes sense that you're the worst off."

"What?" Iggy blinked.

"Well… Logically, Fang would be the one who is most targeted by O.C.s and possible Mary-Sues," Mini said, drawing carefully, "Admittedly, he fits the general and shallow description of the 'secret-love-seeking' boyfriend with a dark and sexy demeanor. Normally he would be pelted every hour with OCs and Sues. However, for some reason I cannot fathom, Max acts as a canon buffer for any potential O.C.-related romantic intimacy with him. In effect, the O.C.s go for the next best guy, which is _you_, Iggy. So, reasonably, you receive the majority of unwanted female relationships. Girls who suddenly appear as the love of your life will be quite common even after you die. The fact that you're blind and in need of _suggestive_ support also contributes to your… attractiveness. Do you understand now?" Mini asked, capping the marker smartly.

The flock was stunned. Iggy burst into tears.

Tanya, Fang, and Max appeared totally engrossed with Mini's horrifying explanation and drawings. Nudge, however, frowned.

"Hold on a sec," she said, "First off, Iggy can't see your diagrams. Second, he might as well not see them because you're a terrible artist. And lastly, you drew a badly shaped avocado tap-dancing with what appears to be a tube of toothpaste. What does that have to do with anything?"

Mini looked offended.

"Shut up. Since when did you stop talking like you were in an internet chatroom?"

Nudge scoffed, "I'm entitled to say something intelligent at least once."

Mini considered the matter and thought it was reasonable enough. He graciously let the subject drop. However, as soon as he did, Nudge reverted back to her age of thirteen years. Immediately, the air itself was filled with the fumes of her motor mouth.

"Oh my god! Mini, you are _totally_ right! Iggy _is_ being targeted by a ton of girls!" she exclaimed with a hand over her cheek. Marching up to Tanya, she gave the self-insertion a hard push. "You stay away from Iggy!"

"What? No!" Tanya said, falling on her bum with a wince of pain, "Sure, I like Iggy, but it's not a… lust or actual love. I'm just fond of his chara-… I mean... personality!"

Angel blinked and nodded.

"Tanya's telling the truth. She also pretty angry that you pushed her, Nudge," the little girl said. A second later, she frowned darkly and turned to Tanya. "I _dare_ you to think that thought again. If you do, I'll _kill_ you."

Tanya tried, she really did. It was hard not to think, but somehow she was able to direct her thoughts elsewhere from hating Angel and Total with a passion.

Everybody ignored Angel little spastic moment.

"Well," Iggy said, "Maybe it's not so bad having Tanya around…"

"For a dead weight, she's alright," Mini admitted.

"Just as long as she doesn't try anything funny on me," Fang shrugged.

"She's okay," Gazzy said without much conviction.

"Well then," Max said, holding out her hand, "It's settled, welcome to the flock, Tanya."

Despite being extremely confused, wingless, or possessing a sad past, Tanya broke into a happy smile. She took Max's hand and shook it.

"Thanks, guys," she said, tears brimming and fogging up her contacts, "I'll be glad to-"

A gunshot was heard and Tanya collapsed on the ground. She did not move. Blood steadily leaked from her head.

The flock gaped at how quickly the self-insertion was disposed of. Max paled, checking her pockets to see if it was her gun that went off.

It wasn't.

"Boom, headshot!" laughed a woman's voice.

Everyone looked up.

"Mom!" Mini said, shocked.

"Anne?!" Max exclaimed.

Rightly so, Anne came walking over, twirling a 9mm pistol in her right hand. The woman gave her son a cold smile and the rest of the flock a friendly grin. She came close enough to step over Tanya's corpse.

"Please excuse me for a moment," she said apologetically. Releasing an empty magazine from the pistol, she slammed in a new one, firing all the bullets into Tanya's already dead body.

"You can never be too sure about these pesky self-insertions. Highly dangerous, they are."

Max was the first to recover.

"Why did you shoot her?" Max asked, incredulously, "Tanya didn't do anything bad! And…" she turned to Mini, "Anne's your mother?!"

"Safety precautions," explained Anne with a cheerful giggled, exhibiting dangerously similar characteristics to Angel, "Self-insertions are most liable to turn into powerful beings, if they already aren't." She kneeled down and gently prodded the bleeding body with the butt of her gun. Humming to herself, Anne started checking through Tanya's pockets for anything of interest as the flock conversed.

"Hey, I thought you already knew," Mini said to Max, shrugging, "Anne _Walker_. Minimum _Walk_. It's fairly obvious."

"So your real name is Minimum Walker?" Gazzy asked, fascinated and horrified at the same time.

"Nah. Mother dearest disowned me when I failed all the intelligence exams," Mini said gaily, "Haha, look who's out in the open _now_, bitc-"

Anne swiftly pointed her gun at him with a yawn.

"Do watch your language, Minimum. I'd hate to blow off your tongue."

Mini snorted.

"You would like that, would you? The mag's empty, I can say whatever the hell I want."

Anne unlocked the slot and put in a fresh clip faster than Mini could say 'holy crap'.

"I hope you have an extra tongue," she said, smiling.

"Holy crap."

Anne fired and Mini ducked. The bullet skimmed past his wings, taking a few feathers with it. The boy paled and cringed, knowing that his life was spared for her amusement only.

The flock watched their mother and son relationship with odd looks. Clearly Anne was semi-fond of her son and Mini was just being all talk and no action, same as always. No one dared to intervene of interrupt. However, they got lucky and there was no need. A clear ringtone rendition of 'Smile' by Lily Allen sounded from the pocket of Anne's pinstripe pants. The woman gave a sigh and took out her expensive cell phone.

"Yes?" she answered impatiently, "… Yes."

There was a long pause from Anne. The flock strained to hear the other voice on the phone. There was a high-pitched chipmunk voice on the other line, making it hard to understand what was being said. They also watched Anne's face go from mildly placid to appallingly icy cold with anger. The gun twitched in her hand.

Max threw everyone glances to start backing away if Anne started to go ballistic. However, Anne started to walk quickly away from the group. She threw her hand up and snapped her fingers. Suddenly the soft whirl of an incoming helicopter could be heard.

"What?" Anne said, standing to one side, glaring at the sky, "No! Get him on the line! No, I don't care if he's- oh! Nevermind. You're fired. If you want your job back, then I suggest you give-"

Whatever she said next was lost when a chopper appeared and threw down a rope ladder. Anne stepped up and grabbed on, still shouting into her cell phone. The chopper lifted her up and soon she was gone.

"Good riddance," Mini said, crossing his arms.

They gathered around the fallen body of Tanya. Silently agreeing to a moment of silence, the flock bowed their heads. The self-insertion probably had a family and a future of some sort.

"I guess we should take her back," Max said after a while.

"…yeah," Fang said softly.

Strangely enough, Iggy was the first to kneel down and gently take Tanya's bloody body into his arms. The rest of the flock was about to help him, but a luminous soft blue light started to omit from the corpse. Everyone saw it except Iggy. They covered their eyes as the light intensified into a blinding flash.

"What the-" Iggy began, sensing something was up.

When the light died down, Tanya's body was completely healed. Not only that, but her thick hair had grown into a beautiful plume of silken black stands. Her face had also become radiant and pretty with no trace of acne. The clothes on her body changed too. The jeans became a stylish plaid skirt and the shirt was modified into a form fitting v-neck blouse. Iggy even felt her body become more lithe and slender and curvy in all the right places.

"Tanya…?"

The self-insertion opened her eyes and they flock was greeted by her stunningly purple orbs. The girl gave a blushing smile. When she spoke, her voice was smooth and musical.

"Yes," she said with a brilliant smile that had the flock mesmerized, "But please call me Miracle Shimmerheart. That is my true name from my father and mother who died during a tragic experiment set up by the School. I was saved by a mysterious dark-haired boy long ago. I don't remember much because I have a mild case of amnesia."

Still in Iggy's arms, Miracle slowly sat up. She propped her hands on the ground, leaning forward and making a very erotic scene of herself. Even Fang turn red. The self-insertion parted her full lips and gave Iggy a very long kiss on the lips. Her kiss tasted like summer strawberries. When she was done, Miracle pulled away, placing one graceful hand on his neck.

"Thank you, Iggy," she said softly, "For returning my memories and saving me."

Iggy stared as sightlessly as a blind person could. Screaming, he pushed Miracle away and started writhing in pain.

"I knew it!" he sobbed and screeched.

"It's a Mary-Sue!"

* * *

End Chapter. 


	7. Kind Of Like A Nightmare

**AN:** As usual, it never ceases to amaze me how repeated this story is. Thank you for all the reviews. In regards to MR3, there will not be any spoilers in here. I will continue this story as if I've never read it. Which is a good thing. I have so much more material to work with now.

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Kind Of Like A Nightmare**

* * *

The creation of the Mary-Sue is a tale told around campfires of many authors and aspiring writers. Gathered from ancient sources, evil stories of such undying creatures have twisted into horrific fictionist designs and have plagued the minds of writers all around the world. However, to counteract the ever increasing population of Sues, an organization of brave men and women has risen up to combat the wicked creatures in multiple levels of genres and media.

Many have given up their souls to serve. The fighting organization's numbers were always dwindling.

Agent Mac sat in the HQ's break room, brooding heavily with a cup of bubble tea in his hands. He was no more than seventeen by standard earth years, but he knew that he had lived much longer than that. Too long, in fact. He stifled a yawn, slumping back into the lumpy couch he was sitting in. His black tie was undone and his pinstriped business suit was ragged with dust and colored stains. All of which he was sure to be a strange mixture of old coffee and blood. A pair of dark sunglasses twirled idly in his right hand.

The door to the break room opened and a beautiful man walked in, amber eyes flashing. He wore the same suit as Agent Mac, though it was significantly cleaner and had been pressed to perfection with an iron.

"…Sir," Agent Mac said, rising to his feet belatedly. He declined his head in a sharp gesture.

The man paused, giving Mac a gentle smile. Mac's eyes widen slightly, fighting down a humbled feeling. He struggled for a moment, shaking his head to clear it.

"Sir. I haven't taken any medication… you're… affecting me," he mumbled apologetically.

The amber eyed man frowned delicately, a look of concern turning his pretty features even more handsome. He reached up, touching his hand to his face.

And yanked it off.

The mask came off with a painful peeling sound, leaving a red-faced man with a slightly big nose and narrowed eyes standing in front of Mac. The once beautiful man gave a disgusted grunt, stuffing the Sue mask into his pocket.

"Sorry, I didn't realize," he said, rubbing his forehead. The older man's voice was rough and strangely accented with a French tone. "Agent Mac, I trust your mission went well?"

Agent Mac pressed his lips together. He ran a hand through his deranged hair with a tired sigh.

"Yes, barely though."

His boss gave Mac a quick over look from head to toe. Mac tried to look as weary as possible, but the older man gave another snort and a wave of his hand.

"As long as you're back in one piece, I have another mission for you."

"What?" Mac exclaimed, falling back into the couch. He rolled over, turning his back to his commanding officer. "No…" he whined, voice coming out muffled. "I almost died just a few moments ago! At least give me a day off. I'm exhausted!"

The man tsked, walking over and hauling Mac to his feet. The teen groaned, but stood up.

"Which fandom is it this time, sir?" Agent Mac asked, his voice nearly going out into a full whine again, "Not something hard, is it? If its _X-men_ or god forbid_, Harry Potter_, I'm going to die."

"Sues don't kill," the man chastened, "Only suck the will power of their victims and inject OOC venom. Hardly killing."

"Near enough," Mac muttered, dusting off his dirty suit, "So what is it?"

His boss regarded Mac carefully before replying, "_Maximum Ride_. But before you start complaining-"

"You're kidding right?" Mac interjected with sudden fear, "Last time I went there, I was almost taken over! You of all people should know! Hell, I was hospitalized for _weeks_ after I came back."

"You're the only one available with experience in that area. Not only that, but you were a canon in the-"

"_Weeks_."

"And you're familiar with the environment as well-"

"And then I needed months of therapy-"

"With your age range, you should blend in-"

"What part of '_hospitalized for weeks'_ do you not get, Silas?" Mac asked, exasperated, "I'm not going back there. Not without a partner or backup… Sir." He added as a hasty after thought.

"You'll get no such thing," Silas said crisply, "You're one of the best. I believe you can do it. It's been two years since you went there. You've improved since then."

Mac scowled, glancing at his Rolex watch.

"Fine," he snapped angrily, "So what's the big emergency over there?"

Silas smiled, taking a PDA out from his pocket and handing it over to Mac. Mac took it and started scanning its contents.

"A few months ago, a parody story emerged in the Maximum Ride fanfiction. It was a genuine effort to expose the several literary flaws that have infected the fandom using a series of OOC scenes and multiple uses of irony and sarcasm," the older man explained with his brows drawn down, "However, the author came across a glitch when she self-inserted herself into her own story."

Mac let out a sharp hiss. "The power got to her and she turned into a Sue."

"Precisely," said his boss with a sigh, "It would be fortunate if you could save her if it's not too late, but that would be a waste of good resources. I'd go for the usual then."

"Termination," Mac answered promptly with a feral grin. Nothing gave him more pleasure than destroying Sues, "and the canons?"

"Mild affection for the self-insertion for now. There's also an OC with them, though he hasn't much talent."

"Forth wall?"

Silas winced slightly, "Broken in several spots. The author didn't mean any harm by them. Observations have shown that she would've repaired the holes right away."

Mac grimaced. "Tough."

The PDA suddenly beeped in his hands. Mac tapped the screen and an image withed with static appeared. Broken voices filtered through and Mac and Silas leaned forward to get a better look at the live video.

"Who are you…?" Fang was asking in awe to the newly formed Sue.

The Sue blinked, tears welling in her pretty eyes. She gave a soft sob, urging Fang closer to her lithe body. He wrapped his arms around her in a needy cling.

"I think… I think I'm you're sister," the Sue said. Her violet eyes trailed away from Fang and into the direction of the hidden camera. She smiled gently.

The video buzzed and cut off. The PDA went dead.

"Crap," Mac cursed, dropping the PDA as it crackled and steamed.

"… We're too late," Silas said grimly.

**o0o**

The flock gasped collectively.

Miracle lowered her amethyst gaze, blushing slightly as she did. Fang froze, stunned.

"B-But.. I love you," he whispered, despite the painful fact that he had only own her for less than an hour.

Miracle gave him a brave smile, "Incest is not good for publicity though."

Fang, filled with teen angst and conflicting emotions, choked back a sob and pulled Miracle in a hug. However, he was roughly pushed aside by Mini. Mini grabbed Miracle and took her in his arms. He ran his hand passionately in her long black hair and gave her a heated kiss.

"Incest is indeed a disgusting crime," the pink haired boy said when he paused for breath, "Unlike Fang, I can offer you my undying love without the fear of conceiving deformed babies and-"

Mini was slammed in the head by Gazzy. The little boy wrapped his arms around Miracle's waist.

"Don't listen to him. He knows nothing of true love!" Gazzy exclaimed, "I'm the only one who can love you like a real man."

Miracle only smiled as Gazzy was then tackled off by Max. After beating him into the ground, Max stood up and took hold of Miracle's hands. Fang, Gazzy, and Mini were all to busy wrestling each other on the ground. Even Nudge and Angel joined in the fight for Miracle's attention.

"Oh, Miracle-" Max began.

"I'm sorry," Miracle said, "I'm not into slash."

Max blinked, but shook her head. She burst into tears.

"I'm such a bad leader! Ever since I saw you, I knew you were perfect. I give up my position as flock leader," Max sobbed, grabbing onto Miracle's shoulders. "I know you'll do a better job because you're so much more prettier and smarter and cooler! I'd follow anywhere! You can also have Fang, because I'll never become a good girlfriend like you!"

Iggy, blind to all the chaos, could only writhe in pain at what the Sue was doing to his friends. He tried to crawl away, but he soon bumped against Miracle's well-shaped and sexy leg. At least, that's how it felt. A very provocative picture formed in his mind and Iggy blushed and yelped. He was being sucked in.

"Oh Iggy," Miracle sighed, kneeling down in front of him, "Why do you hate me?"

"I… I…" Iggy squeaked.

"I.. don't understand," Miracle continued, her melodic voice breaking into a tearful sniffle, "I want to be with you, but you hate me so much…"

Iggy gasped and his mouth went on autopilot. "I don't hate you!" he blurted out.

Miracle's distraught face broke into a sunny smile. She gave him a very long hug.

"Oh, you make me so happy!" she said, standing up, leaving Iggy drained and shaking. Miracle primly looked about and went over to the fighting boys. "Please stop fighting," she said, sounding hurt.

Needless to say, the boys were all ears for her. They froze where they were, gaping openly. "We're sorry," they chorused.

"No.. it's okay," Miracle said with a sad smile, "but you guys must help me." She turned to the flock as a whole. "I'm the only raven hybrid with the powers to save the world. I'm also part vampire and werewolf since I'm actually from the medieval past when a wizard zapped me through his time traveling spell. As the illegitimate princess of the United States of America, there are bad men coming after me. They.. want to kill me. And my pet unicorn." She let out a shaky breath and closed her eyes, as if pained.

Her unicorn magically appeared, nuzzling her. It was bright pink and sparkly with a heart on its left buttcheek.

The flock winced, hating to see her so sad. Mini stood up.

"I'll protect you, Miracle," he said, being very manly and heroic. Gazzy smacked him aside with a bolder.

"That guy can't even protect his own ass," he snapped, only to get whopped with an incoming chunk of wood.

Iggy beat the younger boy with a tree branch. When he was finished, he casually stepped over Gazzy unmoving body. He calmly took Miracle in his arms and planted a kiss on her forehead.

"Miracle, I'll always be here for you-"

He was then kicked in the groin by Fang. Iggy doubled over and Fang gently grabbed Miracle by the waist. He drew her in, talking softly in her ear.

"As your only brother, come with me so we can find a way to share our love which will no doubt lead us through a very satisfying chain of tragic events and angsty scenes until we can finally reach peace with our incest issues, only to find that we were not actually related by blood, thus able to marry without a problem."

Miracle blinked. She nodded and gave him a blissful smile. Their lips touched.

Gunshots rang out.

Miracle collapsed in Fang's arms.

"No!" Fang screamed.

A young man in a pinstriped suit wearing sunglasses ran over to them. He carried a large briefcase and a pistol in his hands. As soon as he reached the flock, he waved his arms frantically.

"Stay back. Get away from the Sue!" he shouted urgently.

"You killed Miracle!" Iggy screamed in anguish. He fell to his knees and started to cry. The rest of the flock followed in suit, mourning the death of their beloved friend, lover, sister… etc.

"Killed her?" the young man laughed hollowly, "If only it were that easy." His laughter suddenly turned hysterical as his gaze lingered on the beautiful body of Miracle. He twitched, adverted his eyes, and opened his briefcase. Pulling out a white bottle, he shook out three red pills and crunched them down. As soon as he swallowed, an immediate change came over him. He appeared calmer, in control, and now looked upon Miracle with a distasteful glance. He straightened his tie and took off his sunglasses.

Max's jaw dropped.

"You're that weird schizo computer guy from the subways two years ago!" she exclaimed.

The guy looked significantly offended.

"My name is Agent Mac," he said gravely, flipping out a business card with enough skill of a Vegas magician, "Indeed. We have met before, though back then the circumstances were quite more… pressing back in the subways. I was picking up emerging Sue frequencies and I was caught quite unprepared." He gave Angel a caustic look. "On behalf of S.T.F.U., I'm here to pick up this… Miracle." He nudged the still body with the toe of his shiny shoe.

Fang hung on to Miracle, glaring at Agent Mac. He took the card and stared at it.

"S.T.F.U.? That sounds like the worst acronym ever."

Agent Mac allowed himself a brief and fleeting smile, "S.T.F.U. Sue Termination and Facilitating Union. On the contrary, it seems like the perfect one. I'm a highly qualified agent. Now, if you'll let go of it-"

Fang shot up, leaving Miracle in the care of Iggy for now. He snarled and jumped on the bewildered agent. They fell to the ground and it seemed like Fang had the upper hand. However, in the middle of his torrent of punches, Agent Mac reached into his coat and drew out a tiny syringe. He jabbed it into Fang's arm, draining the drug into the avian boy's body.

"What…?" Fang gasped. He wavered and fell to the side.

Cursing, Mac stood up and winced as blood leaked from his nose and the corner of his mouth. He hastily wiped it with a sleeve and grabbed Fang by the arm. Pulling him into a stance, Mac delivered Fang a hard bitch slap across the face.

"What's your name?" Mac demanded.

Fang stared at him. "F-Fang."

"Are you that girl's brother?" Mac asked swiftly, gesturing to Miracle, who was beginning to glow.

"…No," Fang answered, blinking.

"Are you in love with her at all?"

"What? Of course not! I barely know her!"

Mac's tensed shoulders relaxed slightly. He breathed out a sigh of relief. Meanwhile, Fang turned to his flock, puzzled to see why they were crowded around Miracle. Miracle was glowing a soft hue of purple. The bullet holes on her body started to heal. Pretty soon she was sitting up, sadly gazing at Fang.

"Why…?" she asked softly, "Why are you doing this, Fang? I thought you loved me."

"Hell to the no," Fang snapped, taking a step back, "Max, get away from her, she's dangerous!"

Max shook her head.

"You're wrong Fang. My place is beside my flock leader," she said.

Fang put his hands to his ears, unable to take the cheesiness of the line. He turned to Mac.

"Do something!" he pleaded, "Give them some of the medicine you gave me!"

Mac scowled, "That syringe was supposed to be for me! I have none left, thanks to you. You succumb to Sues pretty quickly."

"That's not _my_ fault!"

Mac growled in frustration. He was sleep deprived, sloppy, and his Sue immunization vaccine was wearing off. He snatched his briefcase and started pulling parts from it. With military practice, he started to assemble it quickly. This was the only way to end it. He took Fang's hand and ran.

Miracle's large and exotic eyes narrowed slightly. She bravely stood up, much to the concern of the bewitched flock members.

"Miracle, don't!" Angel wailed, "You'll be killed!"

"Let me fight them!" Nudged cried.

"Allow me one final kiss," Mini said, tilting his head to hers for a very long and dramatically drawn out exchange of spit and possible STDs.

Iggy was still going through a state of confusion, for he wanted to have his kiss also, but was suddenly terrified for no good reason. He stayed on the ground in a curled position and cried. Miracle walked over to him, clasping his hands to her pronounced chest.

"Iggy, I know you're scared," she said calmly but with compassion, "but Fang has turned evil by the S.T.F.U. agent. You have to save him."

Iggy gave a small whimper.

"Iggy.. please do it," she cried and then added, "For me."

Iggy's fear suddenly vanished. He got up, eyes glittering fiercely. "I'd do anything for you," he droned.

Miracle smiled, "I'm so happy. Thank you, Iggy."

"Shiiiiiiit," Fang breathed, whirling to face Mac from behind the tree that they were hiding behind, "She's completely got Iggy!"

"She's got all of them," Mac said, matter-of-factly.

"What? Then why isn't Max and Nudge and Angel doing anything? They're just.. clinging on to her," Fang muttered, disgusted.

"Mary Sues don't want other female characters taking away their glory," Mac replied, still busy assembling his large device. It started to resemble a bazooka, "No doubt Miracle will issue character deaths for them later."

"Well, then what are _we_ going to do about it?"

Mac gave Fang an exasperated glare. The whole _Maximum Ride_ fandom was counting of him. While used to working under pressure, Mac had never worked directly with a canon before. Of course, he was part canon also, so he supposed that it could happen and actually succeed.

"You distract Gazzy and Iggy," he said, chewing his bottom lip. Mac glanced behind his shoulder, "Oh, and watch your back for the magical unicorn."

"Unicorn?!" Fang exclaimed, peering over to where Miracle was holding the flock hostage. He saw the pretty pink unicorn and ducked his head back. "That's just absurd."

"I'm glad someone thinks so."

"And what are you going to do?" Fang asked skeptically.

Mac snapped the last piece of the flame thrower together. Shouldering the briefcase-turned-gas-tank, he hefted the deadly weapon with both hands. "I'm taking Miracle out."

Fang regarded the flame thrower. He didn't look very impressed. "With just that?"

Mac stifled back a chuckle. He could die within the next few seconds and get his soul sucked by a Mary Sue, dooming the MR fandom for all eternity. He was so accustomed to the feeling that he was able to find comfort in it. "You'll be surprised how Sues can react with the right amount of flames."

Fang slowly nodded, not understanding but able to trust the agent.

"Okay," Mac continued in good spirits, "You jump out and start going for your friends and that unicorn. I'll circle around to Miracle and torch her. Try not to look at her, I don't think the vaccine I gave you will be enough."

"Got it," Fang said. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. With the power worthy of a secondary protagonist, he ran out to battle his friends.

The unicorn roared and sprang forward to meet him. It spread its pink feathery wings and took up to the skies. Iggy, Mini, and Gazzy followed behind it.

Mac crept out from behind the tree.

He was instantly kicked at the neck, his head snapped back painfully. He fell but training instinctively kicked in and he rolled to the side, just in time to dodge Miracle's other foot. He noticed that her toenails were painted the same color as her stunning eyes…

"No!" Mac screamed, closing his eyes. He raised the flame thrower and pulled on its handle. Bright scarlet fire erupted all around Miracle.

When he opened his eyes, Miracle was still there. The fire flickered all around her, but she didn't burn. In fact, the glowing embers made her appear more beautiful. Mac started to shake.

"When I was little, my dying mother gave me a magical medallion. It makes me fire-proof," the Mary Sue said with a charming grin.

"You suck!" Mac screamed.

The Mary Sue suddenly flinched. Her long and gorgeous hair started to smoke.

"What kind of stupid, lame character are you? You're ridiculously beautiful, related to one of the canons, and everyone one in this piece of crap you call a plot is in love with you!" Mac babbled on desperately.

"Shut up!" Miracle howled, putting her hands over her ears, "Shut up! Just shut up!"

Mac smiled maniacally and laughed, "No, why don't _you_ shut up?" He kept the flame thrower on. "Your whole being is a waste of imagination and I daresay there would be other people that would agree with me, you cheese sucking whore with no life other than creating fictitious relationships with other characters that aren't even real. God, you're lame. Salt of the earth, shame of humankind! Even signed reviewers spit on in your general direction!"

Miracle shrieked, her dazzling face melting with the intense heat. She convulsed violently, falling to her knees and clutching her stomach. She retched, violet eyes flickering to brown.

"You… have… no support to your claim," she snarled between coughs.

Mac wearily stood up. He let in more gas to his fiery weapon.

"Darlin', I'm flaming you," he laughed, "I don't need support since it's all there already. Obviously. Are you that stupid?"

Miracle's eyes dulled to brown. With a final dying scream, she slumped to the ground. Her beautiful body fizzed, leaving a ragged girl of plain looks in her place. The girl weakly looked up.

"…Agent Mac?"

Mac puffed out his cheeks and turned off the flame thrower. He peered cautiously at Tanya. Satisfied that the Mary Sue had been banished, he stood up straight.

"On behalf of S.T.F.U., I hereby place you under temporary custody until we can get things sorted out," he said, pressing the face of his Rolex watch. He pointed a finger at Tanya. "Do you have any objections?"

"No," Tanya sighed, sagging back down on the ground. Her body started to disintegrate. She disappeared.

Agent Mac put back on his sunglasses, glad to be alive.

The flock walked over to him. Fang had a few scratches and blood dripping down the side of his head and chest which suggested that he recently ran into the wrong end of a unicorn. Iggy and Gazzy weren't completely unharmed either, though they looked better than Fang by a long shot. Mini, of course, had ran away from any sort of fighting and just seemed tired. The girls of the flock simply appeared dazed and slightly horrified.

"My god…" Max whispered, realizing what she had done.

Agent Mac gave her a sympathetic smile. "Don't worry. It happens all the time. You guys were lucky."

"Um.. thanks for.. you know, saving us," Iggy mumbled.

"Hmph. That's essentially my job," Mac said with a shrug, "You're welcome. Now, I have to report back to HQ. Will you guys be alright?"

Fang was pale and wavered on his feet. His blood was quickly spreading over his dark shirt and the poor boy looked like he was about to faint.

"Yeah. We're good," Mini said.

"If you say so," Mac said. He gave a little wave and started walking off. He pushed the face of his Rolex watch and shimmered away into a billion sparkly pieces.

The flock was finally alone.

"Well, that was certainly interesting!" Nudge said brightly.

The pink unicorn snorted in agreement and everyone laughed heartedly.

Then Fang passed out.

* * *

End Chapter 


	8. That BANG for your BUCK

**AN: **It's either you get it, or you don't. Don't worry, this chapter is short since I cut the original one on half. Because I'm a jerk.

* * *

**Chapter Eight: That BANG for your BUCK**

_Ten minutes later..._

* * *

"So… no hard feelings, right?" 

The unicorn let out a happy sounding whinny that even managed to convey an affable and apologetic tone at the same time. Fang took this as a good thing since the unicorn had stabbed him in the chest only moments before. However, they were passed all that now that the Mary Sue was gone. Actually, the two were on such good terms that Fang had been allowed to ride on the unicorn's back instead of having to fly with the rest of the flock. The act of kindness by the unicorn was not lost upon Fang, especially when he was still bleeding.

The unicorn gave a grunt.

"No, no… I'm fine," Fang said easily, "Just a trip to the bathroom and a new shirt would do it for me. It's not your fault."

The unicorn neighed a nay.

"Really! I'm fine. It's nice that you're concerned. I should be asking you the same thing."

His only reply was a loud raspberry.

"Oh," said Fang, trying not to sound disappointed, "I couldn't lay a punch of you, huh?" He paused briefly and changed the subject. "Hey… I never knew unicorns could have wings. Doesn't that make you a Pegasus?"

The unicorn stopped flapping. Fang got the feeling that he'd just insulted the mythical creature very badly. It was a good thing he didn't mention that he hadn't thought unicorns existed before. Within a few seconds, they lost a large amount of altitude. Fang instinctively started flapping his own wings. Pretty soon he lifted off the unicorn and was flying all on his own.

"Hey! Wait!" he called out to the descending unicorn, "Listen, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or-"

The pink unicorn gave a disgruntled grumble and winked out of sight, only fifteen feet away from Fang. He couldn't help but feel as if he'd lost a close friend.

"Hey," Max said, flying over to him, "Where did the unicorn go?"

"Unicorn?" asked Fang, looking as if Max had started spewing questions on the whereabouts of mythical creatures that obviously did not exist in their own world.

"Did you say something?" Max blinked, since she thought Fang had just said 'unicorn'. Considering that it was Fang, and not Angel, she found that quite random.

Fang appeared confused. He shrugged and tactfully changed the subject. "I need to use the restroom."

Max rolled her eyes, "Can't you hold it?"

Fang's brows lifted and he gestured to his bloody shirt and hole through his chest. By some freak of good luck, he was still able to fly without so much of a problem. He was still in pain, but pain was good. It was the only thing that made sure he felt alive. The comforting thought was so emo, his windswept hair edged over his forehead against all laws of wind resistance.

"Oh, stop being a baby."

"Max, I'm bleeding. Excessively."

"Don't be a girl," Mini taunted with a blatant remark of flippant sexism. Max noticed and got that angry expression of 'you-just-did-not-say-that-out-loud-because-I'm-the-biggest-most-egotistical-face-of-dominate-avian-hybrid-feminism-your-sorry-ass-is-ever-gonna-see' on her face. That, of course, did not translate over well to Mini. However, Nudge had no problem conveying what Max was thinking.

"That was very sexist," said the dark skinned girl and opened her mouth to add more, but Mini seemed to be a very capable rival with his own excessive communication skills.

"And they say the only people who can be racist is a white person," he drawled.

"What?" exclaimed four miffed voices.

"Caucasian," Mini corrected, obviously making an effort to sound polite and exasperated at the same time.

"I can't believe it. You're sexist and racist," Iggy said.

"One can argue that I'm a little bit of both so that I can at least tell the difference between people," Mini answered.

And then the conversation was dropped since it was getting kind of stale.

"And… I have to go to the bathroom. Max, baby, wanna stop somewhere fast?" asked Mini with his signature winning smirk.

Fang snorted. Max made it clear that she wasn't going to stop anywhere soon.

Max beamed at Mini.

"Okay!" she gushed.

Fang, ever suspicious, narrowed his eyes. Max had suddenly turned into a ditzy star-stuck lover. He blinked. Now that he noticed it, she seemed… unnaturally attached to Mini. This wasn't his jealousy talking, this was simply an observation.

An observation spurred on by jealousy, but whatever.

The flock landed in a thicket of trees on the outskirts of San Francisco. It was the closet metropolis they could find and Mini had insisted they stop there. Max, all up for whatever Mini said, agreed. They walked to the nearest BART station and found the public restrooms. Needless to say, Fang ran in and started cleaning himself up.

It actually didn't take that long. His shirt was still stained, but there was little he could do about it. Heading over to the urinal to do his business, he heard the door open and in came Mini.

Taking the urinal next to him, Mini regarded Fang, "Hey… I think it's time we have a little man-to-man talk."

Fang didn't like the sound of that. It was actually ten times worse when he was in the middle of pissing. The thought might've shown on his face since Mini started rolling his eyes. It was like Fang was that wimpy little freshman inside the boy's locker room for the first time. However, since neither had much experience in high school, Fang and Mini couldn't really relate anyway.

"S'bout Max," Mini began.

Fang's attention was successfully caught.

"Do you honestly think you'd have a chance with her?" Mini asked.

Fang, not wanting to lose his temper, stared at Mini and said, "Uh, yeah?"

"I mean, against me," Mini added with a little bit a sugar to his voice.

So much for not losing his temper. Lost it, Fang did. Taking a fistful of Mini's shirt, he slammed the flamingo boy against a bathroom stall. Mini let out a girlish squeak of pain.

"You make me sick," Fang stated with every word dripping with contempt, "Max is… a very important person to me. I'm not just going to let _you_ manipulate her-"

"I don't think that's going to matter," Mini said, lolling his head to the side. He was in the middle of grimacing, but somehow a smirk made its way to his features. "Max and I were made for each other."

Fang didn't even blink. He jerked Mini against the stall once more so that the whole bathroom seemed to rattle.

"Bullshit," he said, "You have a talent for pissing me off. Congratulations. You've made it down to Ari's level."

Mini, despite being the coward that he was, did not appear fazed. In fact, he looked quite exasperated.

"You don't get it, do you? Max and I were _made_ for each other," he hissed since Fang was pressing hard against his windpipe, "Literally. I just don't go spewing romantic crap like that. Goddamn, we live in this stupid sci-fi genre… eventually you'd learn to take a hint-"

"_Shut up_. The School can't just decide things like that. Science can't determine… l-love or whatever!"

Mini gave him an eerie smile. He slowly pulled Fang's arms off of him, though he was still perilously cornered.

"Yeah. They can," Mini laughed, "You know why I'm so irresistible to Max? It's all science. I give off scented hormones that only she can unconsciously smell. Whenever I'm near, she's _crazy_ for me." He leaned closer to Fang and whispered with a smirk, "I don't have to do _anything_."

There was a dangerous pause.

"Except stay alive," Fang finished.

Mini paled, "Touché."

Fang swung his fist towards Mini's face. Whether out not Fang's aim was off or Mini just got incredibly lucky, his fist collided with the bathroom stall. Mini, who had pressed himself against the stall's door, had his hands over his face. Snarling, Fang decided to hell with his fist and tackled Mini. Already at a close range, the stall's door cracked under their combined weight and ripped off its hinges. Shocked, they both fell through at an angel when the door was stopped against the toilet. For Mini, falling was the least of his worries when he could clearly see that he was going to be fell upon by Fang. Having the wind knocked out from his body by another, Mini was rendered dazed.

Fang groaned and pushed himself up, only to unbalance the angled door they were laying on. The door slid off the toilet and landed flat on the bathroom floor, stunning both Mini and Fang again. However, perhaps the most stunning part of their ordeal was the end position, which involved having their faces smashed against each other and teeth clashing.

It was possibly the worst kiss ever, but since neither had much experience in that particular area, there shouldn't have been any real complaints about it. Mini's eyes widened and Fang appeared to be dazed with extreme traumatic horror.

Innocent little Gazzy chose this moment to walk in and look around.

"Oh, my god, she's parodying slash and lemons already?!" he screamed in fright.

"Oh… good. It wasn't me," Iggy said, popping in alongside the younger boy. He turned his head to face the awkward scene. "Who's the seme?"

"Fang," Gazzy supplied.

Iggy looked shocked, "I'd totally thought he'd be uke."

"So did I. Especially paired with Mini," said Gazzy.

Mini and Fang were in the process of quickly sorting themselves out. They stood up, taking defiant stances at the furthest distance away from each other possible. Fang was extremely red and Mini unsuccessfully tried to play it off.

"Guys, that's not what happened!" exclaimed Fang, wiping his lips in disgust, "That was-"

Iggy and Gazzy looked unconvinced.

"Both of your pants are off," Gazzy pointed out, "What am I supposed to be thinking?"

Mini and Fang looked down. Before the fight, both of them had forgotten to zip up. They started stuttering.

"Wait! But- that was-"

"-Wasn't like that-"

Fang hastily pulled up his pants and Mini casually put on his as if being seen without any pants on was perfectly natural for him.

"You guys don't have to be shy about it," Iggy said kindly.

Fang glowered, "Don't even _say_ it. You couldn't be any more wrong about it." He pushed past Iggy and Gazzy, furious. Stepping out of the restrooms, he muttered curses under his breath…

…and smartly ran into the female part of the flock.

Max and Nudge had that hesitant look on their faces. They were expecting Erasers, but they did not want to tread into the men's restroom without proof. Angel, the ever oblivious one, was simply worried. Total had been abandoned the last couple of chapters. He wasn't really missed.

"Is everything alright?" asked Max, "We heard a lot of banging and noises, so we sent in Iggy and Gaz-"

"Oh, there was a lot of _banging_, alright," Iggy said from behind Fang.

Max's jaw dropped. Fang elbowed Iggy and Mini stepped on his toe. Aside from the yelps, Iggy fell sullenly silent.

"There was _not_," Fang said.

Max raised her brow, instantly flustering Fang more than ever.

"Even if I swung that way, it wouldn't be with _him_," Mini said, taking her by the shoulders, "You're the only one for me. You know that."

Max's doubt cleared and she sighed in relief.

Fang glanced from Mini and Max, a sense of realization dawning on his face. He had heard a similar quote before. Paling, he grabbed Max and yanked her away from Mini.

"Fang! What are you-"

"He's… a Sue!"

* * *

End Chapter. :O 


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